How do i know im the only thing you want?
:"[
i just want SOME reassurance.
please let me know that you care to put in the same effort as i do in you.
i dont want to end up being the one that cares way too much and get hurt.
i dont wanna be on that end. i dont wanna be HURT.
i just really hope you care as much as i do. to the same length and extent.
fuck, how did i get to this point?
here i am crying because im so scared. i feel so vulnerable right now.
i want to trust you. to know that you wont ever do anything to betray me.
but how do i know? i havent gotten to know you the whole way.
but you know i can be faithful. you got a vibe from me. and its true. i can be.
but i wish i knew the same about you.
babe please care. thats all i ask. just care as much as i do.
dont let me down. i really dont wanna be just some girl that you dated for a while.
a girl just wants to mean something to someone at one point in their life.
im not asking you to love me. im just asking...
to be the only thing on your mind.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
How do i know?
You won't cheat on me.
That you won't find somebody else better.
There's ton of girls who are cute and hott, why pick me out of all of them?
How do i know if i'm special...?
That i'm not just "some girl".
That is the only thing i want to know and not be. Just. Some. Girl.
I don't know what you're doing on the side.
You could've found someone else, but instead you found me.
Ionno. You did date a girl during the time you tried to get at me.
Not sure how to judge/base on/think.
How do i know im the only thing on your mind?
eep. im scared. dont wanna get attached and then lose something i care about. or learned to care about.
I'll see.
I hope you care.
I hope you really do like me.
I hope you can stay devoted to me.
I hope that you're....mine.
That you won't find somebody else better.
There's ton of girls who are cute and hott, why pick me out of all of them?
How do i know if i'm special...?
That i'm not just "some girl".
That is the only thing i want to know and not be. Just. Some. Girl.
I don't know what you're doing on the side.
You could've found someone else, but instead you found me.
Ionno. You did date a girl during the time you tried to get at me.
Not sure how to judge/base on/think.
How do i know im the only thing on your mind?
eep. im scared. dont wanna get attached and then lose something i care about. or learned to care about.
I'll see.
I hope you care.
I hope you really do like me.
I hope you can stay devoted to me.
I hope that you're....mine.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
You know,
In life when you're rushed, all you're left with to say is: "we need more time."
which is oh so, very true.
you just wish there was more time to enjoy things, to savor the moment, to create tons of possibilites in that time frame. that time frame that says the day is over. and a new one starts tomorrow.
why can't days be endless? then time can just keep going. yes time is forever in the big picture. but we see time limits everyday. because we have school, jobs, events, sleep, and they make those limits.
too bad there arent rules, so we could just do whatever.
like right now, i have an essay due tomorrow at 2:50 p.m.
and i feel rushed, and in my mind, all i'm saying is, i wish there was more time. but i have practice in an hour or so, then ill come home at like 7 or 8. and then ill be rushed to cram this essay and type bullshit answers and probably cant even get to 7/8 pages in a matter of a couple hours and being able to get enough sleep. ahh the stress it can do to a body.
and all im stuck left to say is: i wish there was more time.
i wish i could write better and hella good. that way, this essay wouldnt be a problem.
and sorry to readers who come across my blog, sorry if it just sounds like complaints, i dont mean to, but i guess that's what venting is, right? when you vent, theres something wrong or bothering you.
im gonna start trying to blog about ponderous things now.
im determined.
im looking at life with a lot of determinations now. especially with careers/jobs and where i wanna be, and how i wanna be with my boyfriend.
gotta create morals yo.
i wanna fall in love. will you catch me, when i fall?
<3
god, thank you for everything. keep that wish of mine in thought, please? i'm scared.
which is oh so, very true.
you just wish there was more time to enjoy things, to savor the moment, to create tons of possibilites in that time frame. that time frame that says the day is over. and a new one starts tomorrow.
why can't days be endless? then time can just keep going. yes time is forever in the big picture. but we see time limits everyday. because we have school, jobs, events, sleep, and they make those limits.
too bad there arent rules, so we could just do whatever.
like right now, i have an essay due tomorrow at 2:50 p.m.
and i feel rushed, and in my mind, all i'm saying is, i wish there was more time. but i have practice in an hour or so, then ill come home at like 7 or 8. and then ill be rushed to cram this essay and type bullshit answers and probably cant even get to 7/8 pages in a matter of a couple hours and being able to get enough sleep. ahh the stress it can do to a body.
and all im stuck left to say is: i wish there was more time.
i wish i could write better and hella good. that way, this essay wouldnt be a problem.
and sorry to readers who come across my blog, sorry if it just sounds like complaints, i dont mean to, but i guess that's what venting is, right? when you vent, theres something wrong or bothering you.
im gonna start trying to blog about ponderous things now.
im determined.
im looking at life with a lot of determinations now. especially with careers/jobs and where i wanna be, and how i wanna be with my boyfriend.
gotta create morals yo.
i wanna fall in love. will you catch me, when i fall?
<3
god, thank you for everything. keep that wish of mine in thought, please? i'm scared.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Feelin hella unsure about things. Do you actually like me?
You know, i wonder if you really do care, and do like me, welll... for me. its very easy to say things, like our inside comments, and that you're there. but are you just saying that because were dating and people just say that shit because it's "supposed" to be said? cuz if so, fuck that. i dont wanna hear it. i want things to be all real. and if you reallly dont like me, then dont lead me on to thinking i can open up and just give you all of me.
thats all i ever want to do for a person. just give all of me to them. i want them to want me sooooo much, and soooo bad, that when i give up, i feel like its all worth it.
but right now, i feel so denied, you dont even miss me. so what are we then? just having fun?
i dont wanna be just having fun anymore. that was the beginning. now that were together. i just wanna mean SOMETHING, anything at all. we dont have to be uberly serious. i just want you to care deeply. crave me. want to be with me all the time. something.
i hope im not just some girl. and you know that. Now theres something, YOU KNOW.
i miss him. but he doesnt miss me. sigh.
but i learn to make not big deals and keep shit to myself. i know its bad. but its easier to deal with personally.
i move on and deal. with some complaints now and then.
[but does that mean im hurting myself?]hmm.
i miss friends. but they could care less. no effort is being made. so is this the point im supposed to decide to drop them? or go back to being the nice me and always giving more than one chance to come back.
and the factor of being friends for hella long years plays part too. its not that easy to drop something youve built for so long. you know? i just wish they cared to an extent where they tried as much as i did to hang out, talk, or anything.
bitch.
I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO CARE. I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO BE THERE.
*verge of sobbing* this is my weak point. ai..:[
but i guess on the brighter side. last night was really nice.
i ended up kicking it with khrys and jackie. and i was coming from rissas house and she made me CDS. ah that made my day. i needed new music for my car. haha especially slow jams. going back tho alil bit, earlier in the day, i was hella bored too, since i didnt have a bf to hang out with. so in the morning, after class, went to khrys's hella early at 9 with doughnuts :] and TRIED to watch movies, ghost of girlfriends past and shutter, but we got distracted, and then we had to pick up one of her cousins from laguna creek hs cuz she felt sick. and then she had to go to work. soo. i found another friend to kick it with and shes a friend from school and her name's Janet. and we just ended up going to eat sushi at Osaka and then looked around at VIVI's. then she had to go to work too at Carl's jr. haha. a guy at the sushi place had the coolest blue fohawk though too. hella jealous of the color. i want my blue to be bright like that. and things just going from one to the next. and so after i went to jovins house. hahah it was HELLA random. but he helped with boredom. and we tried to get job apps at bestbuy and oldnavy. i got a skeleton shirt thing at old navy from the kids section. haha for some reason it stood out and i like it. thennnn it was time to hit up rissa. and we ended up picking steffi from monterey trails too and OMG on the way to rissas house, saw a crazy ass fight. those people got outta the cars and start pulling hair and kneeing each other. crazy shit. but we left. haha cuz it was a stoplight. YEAH THEY STOPPED THEIR CARS HELLA CRAZY AT THE STOPLIGHT AND GOT OUT. crazy crazy. hah. then just chilled at rissas house. tried to help her study for SATS which hella youngns be taking right now. good luck for em. thennnn after that. went to go pick up jackie. and since i didnt have any money. we couldnt eat. and she was tripping how it felt weird for her to be the only one eating. ehh i didnt care. but she did. soooo i remembered about khrys's softball game in eg and we went to that. ahha and it was free. it was tight. cuz then we all got to kick it with each other. and watched her game and went to oscars. got food slammed in my face lmao. and i was surprised oscars was opened that late. ive missed those delicious breakfast burritos. then drove further into eg park for another softball game of hers. and then it was hella cold. and we were just sitting there. so me and jackie bounced and i took her home. it was a good night though. for a friday. :D
i please others before myself and then i realize i sacrifice more than i need to.
and i lose because i end up feeling hella abandoned and lonely.
what to do?
i need a balance thats what it is. or a backbone.
im just scared to say mean things and then end up losing people. its not worth it, if i can just deal it and not fuss.
im done. i dont wanna vent anymore. it creates a feeling of vulnerability spilling everything. because sometimes im used to keeping hella shit to myself. so this is going far than i usually do. and wow im kinda pathetic for being able to spill this online, but not to an actual person.
AHHH FUCK ALL THE BULLSHIT.
lets move on.
oh and srry for all my grammatical errrors. wrong periods. no caps. yeah...well if someone actually reads this. this is just how i type when i vent. my badddd.
i misss u. i missss you i misss you i misss you i missss you i misss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you. i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you.
i miss you.
do you miss me?
why do i miss you?
ugh. all i ask is for reciprocal stuff please. thats all.
i hope this is real and it lasts long.
dont lead me on.
give me confirmation. a sign of comfort
im hungry. good bye! later days. :D
thats all i ever want to do for a person. just give all of me to them. i want them to want me sooooo much, and soooo bad, that when i give up, i feel like its all worth it.
but right now, i feel so denied, you dont even miss me. so what are we then? just having fun?
i dont wanna be just having fun anymore. that was the beginning. now that were together. i just wanna mean SOMETHING, anything at all. we dont have to be uberly serious. i just want you to care deeply. crave me. want to be with me all the time. something.
i hope im not just some girl. and you know that. Now theres something, YOU KNOW.
i miss him. but he doesnt miss me. sigh.
but i learn to make not big deals and keep shit to myself. i know its bad. but its easier to deal with personally.
i move on and deal. with some complaints now and then.
[but does that mean im hurting myself?]hmm.
i miss friends. but they could care less. no effort is being made. so is this the point im supposed to decide to drop them? or go back to being the nice me and always giving more than one chance to come back.
and the factor of being friends for hella long years plays part too. its not that easy to drop something youve built for so long. you know? i just wish they cared to an extent where they tried as much as i did to hang out, talk, or anything.
bitch.
I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO CARE. I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO BE THERE.
*verge of sobbing* this is my weak point. ai..:[
but i guess on the brighter side. last night was really nice.
i ended up kicking it with khrys and jackie. and i was coming from rissas house and she made me CDS. ah that made my day. i needed new music for my car. haha especially slow jams. going back tho alil bit, earlier in the day, i was hella bored too, since i didnt have a bf to hang out with. so in the morning, after class, went to khrys's hella early at 9 with doughnuts :] and TRIED to watch movies, ghost of girlfriends past and shutter, but we got distracted, and then we had to pick up one of her cousins from laguna creek hs cuz she felt sick. and then she had to go to work. soo. i found another friend to kick it with and shes a friend from school and her name's Janet. and we just ended up going to eat sushi at Osaka and then looked around at VIVI's. then she had to go to work too at Carl's jr. haha. a guy at the sushi place had the coolest blue fohawk though too. hella jealous of the color. i want my blue to be bright like that. and things just going from one to the next. and so after i went to jovins house. hahah it was HELLA random. but he helped with boredom. and we tried to get job apps at bestbuy and oldnavy. i got a skeleton shirt thing at old navy from the kids section. haha for some reason it stood out and i like it. thennnn it was time to hit up rissa. and we ended up picking steffi from monterey trails too and OMG on the way to rissas house, saw a crazy ass fight. those people got outta the cars and start pulling hair and kneeing each other. crazy shit. but we left. haha cuz it was a stoplight. YEAH THEY STOPPED THEIR CARS HELLA CRAZY AT THE STOPLIGHT AND GOT OUT. crazy crazy. hah. then just chilled at rissas house. tried to help her study for SATS which hella youngns be taking right now. good luck for em. thennnn after that. went to go pick up jackie. and since i didnt have any money. we couldnt eat. and she was tripping how it felt weird for her to be the only one eating. ehh i didnt care. but she did. soooo i remembered about khrys's softball game in eg and we went to that. ahha and it was free. it was tight. cuz then we all got to kick it with each other. and watched her game and went to oscars. got food slammed in my face lmao. and i was surprised oscars was opened that late. ive missed those delicious breakfast burritos. then drove further into eg park for another softball game of hers. and then it was hella cold. and we were just sitting there. so me and jackie bounced and i took her home. it was a good night though. for a friday. :D
i please others before myself and then i realize i sacrifice more than i need to.
and i lose because i end up feeling hella abandoned and lonely.
what to do?
i need a balance thats what it is. or a backbone.
im just scared to say mean things and then end up losing people. its not worth it, if i can just deal it and not fuss.
im done. i dont wanna vent anymore. it creates a feeling of vulnerability spilling everything. because sometimes im used to keeping hella shit to myself. so this is going far than i usually do. and wow im kinda pathetic for being able to spill this online, but not to an actual person.
AHHH FUCK ALL THE BULLSHIT.
lets move on.
oh and srry for all my grammatical errrors. wrong periods. no caps. yeah...well if someone actually reads this. this is just how i type when i vent. my badddd.
i misss u. i missss you i misss you i misss you i missss you i misss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you. i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you.
i miss you.
do you miss me?
why do i miss you?
ugh. all i ask is for reciprocal stuff please. thats all.
i hope this is real and it lasts long.
dont lead me on.
give me confirmation. a sign of comfort
im hungry. good bye! later days. :D
Thursday, October 8, 2009
This was made for me, not you. Not your judgment, but for my release. My own comfort. Sorry for being selfish a bit.
This is where i will pour out my heart. because i will not show/ tell anyone about this, unless they find it and read it. thats fine with me. but i just want a spot where i can blog and not have to worry about anyone reading it. because its a natural habit to edit something on a different blogspot, so it doesnt create this type of thought or judgment towards me. or w/e. ykno?
anyways....
how does one stop contradicting themselves?
like i realized helllla that i dont know how to stand up for myself
or utter my opinions w/o stumbling and not knowing how i came up wit the opinion.
basically i dont have a support for what i say.
i need to learn, and read more, and just know things.
and i need to choose one side, not both sides. hmm. i guess im just used to being the best of both worlds in the majority of things.
i dont think you (plural) miss me, as much as i miss you.
also like seriously, where the fuck are people when you need them?
___&____ supposedly my hella good friends cannnot be there.
what happened to being real? and friends being there for the joyness of their company?
i have yet to find someone i can count on, the way i do my ABSOLUTE BEST for others.
i try to make a difference, i try to be the one that dedicates my heart/time to you, anyone.
i want to be DIFFERENT.
but i think sometimes i try too hard to be different. its okay to be the same sometimes.
what else? i wanna talk about.
my dad doesnt love me anymore. like he used to when i was younger. he replaced me with hannah.
i do shit he doesnt like. it creates a grudge. fuck myself. i need to learn. i miss things.
i look back too much.
why?
because people ALWAYS SCREW ME OVER.
i will build up a wall, and when i choose to let it down, they change their minds, and choose to leave me on the side.
thats why im hesitant to be affectionate sometimes, like i want to be like that, but then i think people take it for granted, and just arent there anymore.
you arent my best friend. & i dont love you.
but i want to believe so. Sigh. major sigh.
i wonder what everyone is up to nowadays from middle school. i hope theyre living a good life. dont do stupid shit. stay strong and living. and surving. shit...
i wanna mean someone to somebody.
i want to love with ALL of my heart.
i dont wanna wait anymore.
i need a destination.
i need something to work at.
i need someone/something to make me happy again.
i need to find someone/thing i can dedicate myself to.
i just want. someone. to care.
ai. :/ someday...oneday...life has reasons. everything is meant to be. everything will flow. everything will work out.
it really just depends on how you view it.
be optimistic dont forget.
do you care?
ill end it with that.
its 8:37. are you loved?
later skater. later days.
sigh.
why do i keep looking back? because the beginning is always good. am i wrong?
anyways....
how does one stop contradicting themselves?
like i realized helllla that i dont know how to stand up for myself
or utter my opinions w/o stumbling and not knowing how i came up wit the opinion.
basically i dont have a support for what i say.
i need to learn, and read more, and just know things.
and i need to choose one side, not both sides. hmm. i guess im just used to being the best of both worlds in the majority of things.
i dont think you (plural) miss me, as much as i miss you.
also like seriously, where the fuck are people when you need them?
___&____ supposedly my hella good friends cannnot be there.
what happened to being real? and friends being there for the joyness of their company?
i have yet to find someone i can count on, the way i do my ABSOLUTE BEST for others.
i try to make a difference, i try to be the one that dedicates my heart/time to you, anyone.
i want to be DIFFERENT.
but i think sometimes i try too hard to be different. its okay to be the same sometimes.
what else? i wanna talk about.
my dad doesnt love me anymore. like he used to when i was younger. he replaced me with hannah.
i do shit he doesnt like. it creates a grudge. fuck myself. i need to learn. i miss things.
i look back too much.
why?
because people ALWAYS SCREW ME OVER.
i will build up a wall, and when i choose to let it down, they change their minds, and choose to leave me on the side.
thats why im hesitant to be affectionate sometimes, like i want to be like that, but then i think people take it for granted, and just arent there anymore.
you arent my best friend. & i dont love you.
but i want to believe so. Sigh. major sigh.
i wonder what everyone is up to nowadays from middle school. i hope theyre living a good life. dont do stupid shit. stay strong and living. and surving. shit...
i wanna mean someone to somebody.
i want to love with ALL of my heart.
i dont wanna wait anymore.
i need a destination.
i need something to work at.
i need someone/something to make me happy again.
i need to find someone/thing i can dedicate myself to.
i just want. someone. to care.
ai. :/ someday...oneday...life has reasons. everything is meant to be. everything will flow. everything will work out.
it really just depends on how you view it.
be optimistic dont forget.
do you care?
ill end it with that.
its 8:37. are you loved?
later skater. later days.
sigh.
why do i keep looking back? because the beginning is always good. am i wrong?
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