Feelin hella unsure about things. Do you actually like me?

You know, i wonder if you really do care, and do like me, welll... for me. its very easy to say things, like our inside comments, and that you're there. but are you just saying that because were dating and people just say that shit because it's "supposed" to be said? cuz if so, fuck that. i dont wanna hear it. i want things to be all real. and if you reallly dont like me, then dont lead me on to thinking i can open up and just give you all of me.

thats all i ever want to do for a person. just give all of me to them. i want them to want me sooooo much, and soooo bad, that when i give up, i feel like its all worth it.
but right now, i feel so denied, you dont even miss me. so what are we then? just having fun?
i dont wanna be just having fun anymore. that was the beginning. now that were together. i just wanna mean SOMETHING, anything at all. we dont have to be uberly serious. i just want you to care deeply. crave me. want to be with me all the time. something.

i hope im not just some girl. and you know that. Now theres something, YOU KNOW.

i miss him. but he doesnt miss me. sigh.

but i learn to make not big deals and keep shit to myself. i know its bad. but its easier to deal with personally.
i move on and deal. with some complaints now and then.
[but does that mean im hurting myself?]hmm.

i miss friends. but they could care less. no effort is being made. so is this the point im supposed to decide to drop them? or go back to being the nice me and always giving more than one chance to come back.
and the factor of being friends for hella long years plays part too. its not that easy to drop something youve built for so long. you know? i just wish they cared to an extent where they tried as much as i did to hang out, talk, or anything.

bitch.

I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO CARE. I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO BE THERE.
*verge of sobbing* this is my weak point. ai..:[

but i guess on the brighter side. last night was really nice.
i ended up kicking it with khrys and jackie. and i was coming from rissas house and she made me CDS. ah that made my day. i needed new music for my car. haha especially slow jams. going back tho alil bit, earlier in the day, i was hella bored too, since i didnt have a bf to hang out with. so in the morning, after class, went to khrys's hella early at 9 with doughnuts :] and TRIED to watch movies, ghost of girlfriends past and shutter, but we got distracted, and then we had to pick up one of her cousins from laguna creek hs cuz she felt sick. and then she had to go to work. soo. i found another friend to kick it with and shes a friend from school and her name's Janet. and we just ended up going to eat sushi at Osaka and then looked around at VIVI's. then she had to go to work too at Carl's jr. haha. a guy at the sushi place had the coolest blue fohawk though too. hella jealous of the color. i want my blue to be bright like that. and things just going from one to the next. and so after i went to jovins house. hahah it was HELLA random. but he helped with boredom. and we tried to get job apps at bestbuy and oldnavy. i got a skeleton shirt thing at old navy from the kids section. haha for some reason it stood out and i like it. thennnn it was time to hit up rissa. and we ended up picking steffi from monterey trails too and OMG on the way to rissas house, saw a crazy ass fight. those people got outta the cars and start pulling hair and kneeing each other. crazy shit. but we left. haha cuz it was a stoplight. YEAH THEY STOPPED THEIR CARS HELLA CRAZY AT THE STOPLIGHT AND GOT OUT. crazy crazy. hah. then just chilled at rissas house. tried to help her study for SATS which hella youngns be taking right now. good luck for em. thennnn after that. went to go pick up jackie. and since i didnt have any money. we couldnt eat. and she was tripping how it felt weird for her to be the only one eating. ehh i didnt care. but she did. soooo i remembered about khrys's softball game in eg and we went to that. ahha and it was free. it was tight. cuz then we all got to kick it with each other. and watched her game and went to oscars. got food slammed in my face lmao. and i was surprised oscars was opened that late. ive missed those delicious breakfast burritos. then drove further into eg park for another softball game of hers. and then it was hella cold. and we were just sitting there. so me and jackie bounced and i took her home. it was a good night though. for a friday. :D

i please others before myself and then i realize i sacrifice more than i need to.
and i lose because i end up feeling hella abandoned and lonely.
what to do?
i need a balance thats what it is. or a backbone.
im just scared to say mean things and then end up losing people. its not worth it, if i can just deal it and not fuss.

im done. i dont wanna vent anymore. it creates a feeling of vulnerability spilling everything. because sometimes im used to keeping hella shit to myself. so this is going far than i usually do. and wow im kinda pathetic for being able to spill this online, but not to an actual person.

AHHH FUCK ALL THE BULLSHIT.

lets move on.

oh and srry for all my grammatical errrors. wrong periods. no caps. yeah...well if someone actually reads this. this is just how i type when i vent. my badddd.

i misss u. i missss you i misss you i misss you i missss you i misss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you. i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you.
i miss you.

do you miss me?
why do i miss you?

ugh. all i ask is for reciprocal stuff please. thats all.

i hope this is real and it lasts long.

dont lead me on.

give me confirmation. a sign of comfort

im hungry. good bye! later days. :D