I don't think anyone will ever UNDERSTAND how alone i feel at times, and i hate it.

right now, i have never felt so alone, like i have no one to count on.

and when i actually do try to "hit people" up because they have told me, they'd be there, well they still haven't proven me wrong.

sure people get busy. but i'm tired of hearing that EACH time i need someone.
this has happened for EVERY instance of my life.

for once, i'd like to hear, i'm RIGHT here for you.

fuck that hella hit my heart to type.

im so unhappy with things right now.

i hate being alone.

sure people say you need to learn to be independent, and find something that makes ME happy.

but i already know what makes me happy..which are PEOPLE. why can't that be accepted?

my happiness sparks from seeing people, talking to people, making memories, laughing about everything and anything. just doing random, spontaneous things in life. people are my joy.

yeah the happiness doesnt come from myself. but is that wrong?

does it absolutely mean i dont love myself? because sure i do, i mean i might have insecurites. but im grateful and love myself in every single way.

but i do admit that it sucks that i have to depend on others to make myself happy.

my boyfriend makes me happy, but hes in the bay having hella fun doing whatever.

my good guy friend is probably coming home from magic mountain with another friend, also having hella fun.

and my two other friends were able to go to the bay too TOGETHER and make their MEMORIES.


it just makes me ponder.....where are my friends so i can make memories too?
then when i try to think of who to hit up to go out and do stuff, that list barely exists, and if i do end up contacting somebody, they dont even make any effort back whatsoever. or they take FOREVER to reply back. im sorrrrry urgency will actually let me know you're THERE.

bullshit.

im so fucking lonely and depressed.

and i think im losing a friend. how much does that suck? :[

im unhappy, can someone cure me? :[[[[[

i just need someONE, anyONE...

to count on.

sigh.

major major major sigh.

and if i were to explain to someone how i feel, it would just make me feel stupid, because they keep telling me some other excuses, and not allow me to feel how i feel. people are always trying to move on too fast. im here to take it step by step. and they keep saying to fuck it and be independent. sorry im not here to push my feelings back and keep em inside. im done doing that shit.

but it'd just be nice for someone to understand. and relate for sure.

i think i need to spark my own happiness. i mean it sounds like the solution.

but i already know what makes me happy, and now i have to change it.
argh.

i dont know what im saying anymore. brains scattered.


tired of not having anyone to count on.

tireddddd.
tired.
tired.
tired.
tired.

my heart is tired.


"rest your weary heart and relax your mind" -justin timberlake.


i'm trying. i am.