I told myself:

Family first.

yet i always seem to fail to do so. :/

and i feel hella bad. my little cousin cried today. ahhh. i was with her throughout the morning, taking care of her. then i went back to my house to take a shower and get ready to go to practice. then she came over the house, and said she was lonely and wanted to hang out. but her seeing me get ready to go somewhere made her cry, cuz i was "leaving". ahh it broke my heart. and she was feeling even more neglected, because there was no one currently at her house watching her, AND my brother had to be a jerk, and wouldnt let her just watch him play games, cuz he was talking to a friend.
i don't wanna be the person that was the one who left her while she was growing up. that's such a bad feeling to have. but now, it seems like i can never be at home and there for her. she's just a little 5 year old. and im supposed to be her role model/figure, her support. i feel SO SO SO SO SO bad.
ugh. its hard to have a balance.
theres so many things to juggle, the more and more you grow up. and you just have to learn what's your priorities AND what u have time for. but damn. i need to be home more, and just spend time with her like i used to. i WANT to be there for her growing up.

and ahh im missing family stuff too! they were all cooking/prepping this meat thing for a birthday this weekend. and i'd said i'd help, but by the time i came home they were all done. ugh. i hella tried leaving practice early to make it home too to help, but then, as always, there's random things that come up, that distract me and i try to hang out instead. i ended up hitting a eg park barbecue thing, then we went to old navy, and i just missed family bonding time. why, jennyyyyyy, why? it's just hard to say "next time" i'll be there because i might just end up doing the same shit.

sigh.
i need to change that.

ive also been missing out kicking it with the crew. theres just different groups and different people to hang out with, and its hard to choose just one and sometimes they all interfere at the same time. i just dont wanna miss out on those "epic" nights, ykno? where its like "ohhh remember, when so and so (insert something  really stupid/hilarious). ahh.....i wanna be a part of the memories. i dont like to miss out. i really dont.

what happened?
where and what am i doing, going to?

change just keeps occurring mayn. can't stop it.

then im also afraid,  that getting a job, will make me have less time to see people. cuz i know friends who thats all they do, just work. and they never have time to do anything else for themselves, family, and friends.
it just all consists of the same routine of working, because obviously its not that easy to get a schedule that only has a couple of days/hours.

i feel bad. i just dont wanna miss out on anything. because thats how i am as a person.
like i cant even/dont wanna be the first person to say goodbye. id rather be the last, so i wont "miss out" on anything. yeah weird.. but oh well. w/e.


where is my life heading to?

get. priorities. straight.
MAKE TIME.
don't forget family first, jen. keep reminding yourself.
im trying my best.
because i care.
i won't abandon you.
i don't want to.

what the fuckkkkkkkk. ahh.
things have changed. once again.
gotta deal.

i miss you right now. where are you?

GOODBYE.