Why change something when it's going good?

:|

I cant believe its come to this, but

i think we wont be in each other lives anymore.

youre just simply hanging out with other friends and you seem happy
but you dont even bother to make the effort with me and the other anymore.

you moved on.

i mean im still here. but things just changed. [as always...]

and besides ur fucking hella moody too much.
so i guess you could say, the patience is done.


stop being a jerk, asshole.

i still want you to be one of my good friends.
but i think you just simply moved on.

and i guess im not dropping you. its just...ill see you when i see you.
unfortunately...

blah.


oh hey, dont use people...

Shit. my phone's acting up. buttons dont work sometimes. mannn i always break electronic things.

Do you pay attention?

Man i'm up hella late. its almost 5 in the morning. yet theres no one on to stay up with. dang oh well.

There's just something about music that makes me feel so good inside.

With each song that's played and im able to sing the lyrics...
in my mind, tonnnnssss of flashbacks play through my mind.

cuz shit, today, isaiah played "cater to you" by passion.

and i was likeeeee shittt. hahha that was sophomore year. back when it was the trio, me, melv, and taylor.

damn..nostalgia gets to me ALL the time.
it makes me think like damn. what a good time.
i wanna feel that way again.

ionno. i just like to look back on memories a lot. i get a smile whenever its a really good one.

we did hella shit when we were younger. why arent we now? when we have more possibilities and opportunities? are we just getting old? have we learned to forget each other time? we dont always need to be independent.

but yeah.

Coincidences make me smile :D

I think when you have time to just sit down and THINK, that's when it can get a little too crazy.

i see that in myself and in other people.

I just want a REALLY GOOD NICE conversation via voice/phone or aim.

people just dont talk besides small talk these days anymore.


see i cant even verbalize these thoughts to anyone.

no ones listening. i gotta type em down.

blahhhhhhh. okay im done. i dont wanna post nemore.

I love the way slowjams makes me feel. I like thinking about you, and the way THAT makes me feel. i love that warm feeling i get in my body.

i dont want to push you away.

i care.
you can trust me.
im here.
<3
you know.

Mother just put a new responsibility on me.

Dang.

well good luck with her shit too though.
there's DEFINITELY gnna be hella changes soon.

mom, dad, don't fight.

moneyyyyyy. why do you have to be such an issue in people's live these days?

ahhhhhhhh. i really feel like im just waiting for something epic to happen.

i miss friends.
i just want to make hella fun memories.


i want to get on this happy, giddy, laugh all the time high.

what is happening to everyone and everything?

grr.

Man i hate it when people are like: "i'm hella bored". then when you hear that, then youre like shoot, i'm bored too, but you didnt realize you were bored, you were just chill. now you're like -__-. yeah. haha. fuck.

Anticipation. Anxiety. Ahh. & Responsibility. & Life. Double Ahh.

I'm crazy. Don't let me think too much, i guess. haha. uhhhh just keep busy and you'll be fine.

Hey.

Constantly looking back on what used to be. Why change something, when it’s so good?
Reminiscing on all the bomb ass memories, when everyone was feeling the same perfect mood.
Each and every day that passes by I realize we’re all growing up
The more and more we grow up, I also realized you gotta build a skin so tough
Many things will come your way with all the goods and the bads
Just gotta keep yourself in check, and enjoy the moment, even though you might be mad
The present is a gift, and that’s something that you should always remember
Cause what might be here right now, later might no longer be there
One thing I ask is, don’t forget
What we have built up to what we have now and starting from the first day we all met
Consistency is all I need for my mind to keep sane
Because it reassures me that in my life currently, you still want to remain
It’s hard when there’s a point you know some of us all might move on
And right there, that’s the hardest point when you know you gotta be strong
All I want to do is keep you and you and you and you
I don’t need to find anyone else new
You are the people I look forward to and count on in my life
But right now, you guys got me asking, where are you?


[this is why i hate feeling alone.]

whattabitch.

Prove/show me wrong, and I'll stop defending. Mmhmm.

"Grab my body baby, hold my heart, don't break it, it is yours." -J. Holiday

Where is everybody?!?!?! Missin the bf and friends. Urgh. Feeling alone.

Please be different from all the others. I don't wanna feel like it's only convinced in my mind.

Keith Sweat:: "Nobody"

You make me feel like i've never felt before.


i get to put my heart to use, and to its potential.

sometimes it's weird when there's TOO MANY coincidences.

its like someone's reading your mind.




weird...i know.

i want the feeling of an adventure. i wanna stay up all night doing things we've never done before. lets just explore. have fun. make awesome last-longing memories.

that's what im waiting for.

because youth isnt forever in the body.

Why is time flying by soooo quick?

Let's put this on cruise mode.

in a way, i feel like i'm waiting for something.



listening to:
tbs: a decade under the influence
ashanti: scared
mariah carey: i wish you knew
& stay the night

i know i'm ready to fall in love with someone. i'm just waiting patiently on my end. sigh.

Don't be afraid.

Happy. <3

*satisfied sigh*

:]

can't sleep.

in the mood for a conversation.
but everyone's sleeping.

taking a nap, and waking up from it late at night hella screws up your sleep pattern.
just realized that. haha. shitttt.

should i wake up early tomorrow to finish my xmas shopping?
i think ill try.

hellllllla wanna dye my tips of my bangs red so that it matches the debut dress for diana. that'd be hella fucking sick.


well no one's up. so im singing to myself.
goodnight.
merry christmas eve.

i miss friends.

i miss the all the kickits.

last year we were all trying to go ice skating.

basically i wish there was more contact.


again, we're all doing our own thing....

i just want a nice chat on aim.

well overall, i miss you friends.

every now and then, a slowjam/love song reminds me of how i feel for you.

dont wanna piss you off ever, or lose you.

The scent of you is still on me.

Oh, the things i think of.
And there's good music playing. mmmm.

im so stupid. i need to stop.

alright note to self:


clean motherfucking slate.

stop being insecure, no doubt, no fear, no defensiveness.

just fucking relax.


dont let a good thing go.

<3

Now i'm fucking irritated.

my trust level just went up again. -__- UGHHHHHH.

i JUST started to stop doubting, being defensive.

wtffff.

ugh, help me.

Why do i even doubt? he makes me feel better each time after having discussed things through.

basically, i need to stop letting my fears, and my worries, trust issues, and my insecurities get to the best of me.

doubting is unnecessary.

glad he's mature to talk about it.

i just need to learn how to stop being defensive. let him in. FULLY.

goodnight and sweet dreams.

grateful every day.

You're making me hold back, and I don't want to. How much are you invested in this relationship? Are you even at all? I don't wanna have to rethink things. I know what I want and it's to be with you. But do I have to end things so that I can protect my heart? Do you want to be with me? CAN you have the possibility to love me? I don't want to leave you. I still want you in my life. Just don't forget about me. I don't get enough attention from you and it necessarily doesn't mean for you to text me more. I don't wanna write anymore. -_-

You do not know me. At all. Work with me. Work FOR me.

There are so many good people in my life, why do I still feel so alone?

Sigh. it's hard being a girl and not getting enough attention you want. but you don't want to seem like you're asking for much. because if you do, it's not the most attractive thing.

No one else can have YOUR emotions. They can only just relate.

Damn why am i so excited and filled with tons of butterflies? ^_^

i guess i just can't wait to finish English and be doneeee with that teacher.
and oh well. i might not pass. ill just have to deal and retake. but i aint trippin.
it'll be what it'll be.

i just wont have to stress as much anymore. :]

and tonight. im gonna dress up. i havent done in so long. i wanna look good for my man. haha. :D
im happy. im in a good mood.

tonight will be just fine.
or i'll make it so. ;] heehee

You really do have to be calm to do something efficient.

I wish someone knew me inside-out.

So there would be no need to explain something. they'd just know. they would just understand.

things just aren't that easy though.

currently listening to Alicia Keys: "Like you'll never see me again" but live. Mmmm.

i'm tired. im exhausted. God, help me get through these next two days. especially these two.

grateful for life.

Is it just me, or are there a lot of hearts aching right now?

a friend just called me crying, and im not gonna publicize people's business. and i wont. no need to.

but damn. this whole week. i swear. theres just so much stress with school and personal issues.
its such a hard week mayn.

i swear, ive come across three friends crying, and needing someone to talk to this week.
people are just unhappy right now, i guess.

or somethings bothering each of us. but theres no reasoning behind it.
its just a feeling of the moment and we dont know what it is.
or somethings bothering us. and we really want to hear something, but we dont receive it.
or thought it was going to be different this time.

were all looking for something. something to spark happiness.

what is going on?

damn shit. really tough week.
lets get through this together.

Why is it that i can't seem to find someone to count on?

Please let this work. i really really reallly want it to. PLEASE?

Spur of the moment.

i want to live for someone who needed me. how endearing would that be.

i like remembering small things/details when remembering a past occurrence.
ike he/she said that, did that. that's why i remember...blah blah. that leads to blah blah.

haha. yeah.

girls relate with one main thing, their heart. fear to have it broken, fear of letting their guard down to someone who WASN'T worth it.

best friend. big word. in my mind.

when you start your day early, there's SO MUCH to do in a day. i like that.

Don't waste time.

Do i know that everything's okay?

No.

I like that i take the first steps and a risk because if i didn't, none of it wouldn't have happened.

Random thing to mention: sometimes i wish people didnt care about money. kinda sick of hearing about it.
what happened to not being materialistic?


grateful for everything right now. wanna make the best out of it. live in the moment fsho.

Do for good.

throughout my whole life, ive been raised to please others first. and i learned that from my momma.

and i realized....

thats the one and only main thing that sparks my happiness. no joke, no lie. the truth.

you know that common saying where u should do something that makes u happy first, and stop worrying about pleasing others? [well thats mainly w lifelong careers] but im applying this with my joy i get as a person.

i really do get happy if i see someone happy. i feed off of it. 

ill continue later. just got majorly distracted. and now lazy.

Christmas lights and acoustics make me feel so warm during this time.

excitement. relaxation. xmas break. holidays. enjoyment.

cant wait.

If this shit fucking ends up working out,

I'D BE THE FUCKING ILLEST GIRLFRIEND EVER. HAHAHAHHAHAHA.

HELLA DETERMINED.

My heart just feels hella GOOOOOD.

did i just let my whole guard down?

Musiq Soulchild: "Don't change"

"The way I feel for you will always be the same
Just as long as your love don't change."

this is when the song really comes into play. sigh. 

I like having someone to dress for.

i think a girl would know what i mean. :D

LMAO.

currently online. and somehow thought to look through old myspace comments.
hahahahha it's funny to see how some things started, what i've discussed with people, and how i viewed someone so completely different compared to now. hahha. damn things change.
hahaha.

lol that just made my morninggggg.

well except this stupid paper and conference i have today.
ahh wish me luck.
i was supposed to pull an allnighter for english.
but i suck. and i chose to drift off and take a "nap".
woke up a couple times. and now i gotta speeed to write.
damn telling myself no more last minute shit til the semesters over.
but hey registration date is december 14!
ahhh cant wait to choose new shit to take.
fuck these stupid classes, feel like im relearning high school crap.
let's move on and advance. chyeah. i can do better.
no more slackin!

but yeah.

2 month was awesome. went to bed feeling hella warm.
that boy does know how to make me smile.

job's been feeling kinda easy lately.
so far. orientation and a potluck. haha not so complicated right?
met new peeps though too. glad theres a lot close to my age.
like the environment. but damn those drives home later at night. eeeeep scary! haha

ive been scared to drive at night lately a lot especially if im by myself.
i look to find people that can go with me if i can.

been feeling kinda distant from some friends. it kinda sucks.
but it just means things are changing again. there are a lot of influences that affect it.
it just goes to show that if they really mean anything in my life, things will always bring us to back to chill nights again. and we'll all understand.

ok no more distractions. ill write another time.

toodles.

I concur that:

Singing and listening to music, phone conversations, and people giving a fuck about anything,

are the only things that can make me sane.

Really though.

i KNOW we all have to move on.

but right now. im not liking change.

its like basically to me, oh forget about this person and say goodbye. and dont even bother to keep in touch.

thats harsh, right?
but it's life. yes, yes, yes...i know..

and thing is i CAN move on, but sometimes its just a preference that i'd rather keep people IN my life.

like right now, looking back at pictures, it makes me remember like damn, i used to HELLLLA talk to this person. what happened?
oh that's right. we all moved on with our lives.
i'm such a girl. when it comes to this type of stuff.


but damn, reminiscing on old pictures just brings back really good memories and all the fun things i used to get myself into. haha. just one thing after the next. and all the groups. lol and all the asians. i miss it.

but hey, all i can say right now, well ever...is

"i miss it."

cant do much about it except to miss.
anyone else would say, get over it. but you know what, just lemme feel what i feel. shut the fuck up.

and the other day, i went to go chill at the creek/lake with my friend, and she was just having a bad week. and its just crazy to think and look where we are now. ive known her since i was 5 years old. and to see how we grew up and came to be, i mean, even though we kind of separated for a while at different schools, it shows shes a real legitimate caring friend because were still in each others lives. im happy about that.
but damn to look where we are now. like holy shit. haha.

we grown. hahah fuckkkk.

ionno. its just something to think about. cuz i remember being young and looking up at other 18 year old people. it had just seem different.
i cant believe IM 18. my brothers gonna be 18 in two years.
hes gonnna be old. im gonna be old.

this shits weird.

well this...is...life.

lets hope i do well. lets see what comes my way.

ahhhh.....

grown up.

The more and more you grow up, you learn to count on yourself, and only yourself. Because people don't know how to be consistent sometimes, leave you, or no one is trust worthy enough.

but then don't you feel alone?

i don't know how to be alone. i'm always looking for company.

just a comment i wanted to mention. yfeel?

I told myself:

Family first.

yet i always seem to fail to do so. :/

and i feel hella bad. my little cousin cried today. ahhh. i was with her throughout the morning, taking care of her. then i went back to my house to take a shower and get ready to go to practice. then she came over the house, and said she was lonely and wanted to hang out. but her seeing me get ready to go somewhere made her cry, cuz i was "leaving". ahh it broke my heart. and she was feeling even more neglected, because there was no one currently at her house watching her, AND my brother had to be a jerk, and wouldnt let her just watch him play games, cuz he was talking to a friend.
i don't wanna be the person that was the one who left her while she was growing up. that's such a bad feeling to have. but now, it seems like i can never be at home and there for her. she's just a little 5 year old. and im supposed to be her role model/figure, her support. i feel SO SO SO SO SO bad.
ugh. its hard to have a balance.
theres so many things to juggle, the more and more you grow up. and you just have to learn what's your priorities AND what u have time for. but damn. i need to be home more, and just spend time with her like i used to. i WANT to be there for her growing up.

and ahh im missing family stuff too! they were all cooking/prepping this meat thing for a birthday this weekend. and i'd said i'd help, but by the time i came home they were all done. ugh. i hella tried leaving practice early to make it home too to help, but then, as always, there's random things that come up, that distract me and i try to hang out instead. i ended up hitting a eg park barbecue thing, then we went to old navy, and i just missed family bonding time. why, jennyyyyyy, why? it's just hard to say "next time" i'll be there because i might just end up doing the same shit.

sigh.
i need to change that.

ive also been missing out kicking it with the crew. theres just different groups and different people to hang out with, and its hard to choose just one and sometimes they all interfere at the same time. i just dont wanna miss out on those "epic" nights, ykno? where its like "ohhh remember, when so and so (insert something  really stupid/hilarious). ahh.....i wanna be a part of the memories. i dont like to miss out. i really dont.

what happened?
where and what am i doing, going to?

change just keeps occurring mayn. can't stop it.

then im also afraid,  that getting a job, will make me have less time to see people. cuz i know friends who thats all they do, just work. and they never have time to do anything else for themselves, family, and friends.
it just all consists of the same routine of working, because obviously its not that easy to get a schedule that only has a couple of days/hours.

i feel bad. i just dont wanna miss out on anything. because thats how i am as a person.
like i cant even/dont wanna be the first person to say goodbye. id rather be the last, so i wont "miss out" on anything. yeah weird.. but oh well. w/e.


where is my life heading to?

get. priorities. straight.
MAKE TIME.
don't forget family first, jen. keep reminding yourself.
im trying my best.
because i care.
i won't abandon you.
i don't want to.

what the fuckkkkkkkk. ahh.
things have changed. once again.
gotta deal.

i miss you right now. where are you?

GOODBYE.

My heart just sank.

How do i know im the only thing you want?

:"[

i just want SOME reassurance.
please let me know that you care to put in the same effort as i do in you.
i dont want to end up being the one that cares way too much and get hurt.
i dont wanna be on that end. i dont wanna be HURT.
i just really hope you care as much as i do. to the same length and extent.
fuck, how did i get to this point?
here i am crying because im so scared. i feel so vulnerable right now.
i want to trust you. to know that you wont ever do anything to betray me.
but how do i know? i havent gotten to know you the whole way.
but you know i can be faithful. you got a vibe from me. and its true. i can be.
but i wish i knew the same about you.
babe please care. thats all i ask. just care as much as i do.
dont let me down. i really dont wanna be just some girl that you dated for a while.
a girl just wants to mean something to someone at one point in their life.
im not asking you to love me. im just asking...

to be the only thing on your mind.

So true.

"GROWING OLD IS MANDATORY.

GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL."

How do i know?

You won't cheat on me.
That you won't find somebody else better.
There's ton of girls who are cute and hott, why pick me out of all of them?

How do i know if i'm special...?


That i'm not just "some girl".

That is the only thing i want to know and not be. Just. Some. Girl.
I don't know what you're doing on the side.
You could've found someone else, but instead you found me.
Ionno. You did date a girl during the time you tried to get at me.
Not sure how to judge/base on/think.

How do i know im the only thing on your mind?
eep. im scared. dont wanna get attached and then lose something i care about. or learned to care about.

I'll see.

I hope you care.
I hope you really do like me.
I hope you can stay devoted to me.
I hope that you're....mine.

You eventually have to change.

Whether you like it or not.
It's true.

Do you accept that?

You know,

In life when you're rushed, all you're left with to say is: "we need more time."

which is oh so, very true.
you just wish there was more time to enjoy things, to savor the moment, to create tons of possibilites in that time frame. that time frame that says the day is over. and a new one starts tomorrow.

why can't days be endless? then time can just keep going. yes time is forever in the big picture. but we see time limits everyday. because we have school, jobs, events, sleep, and they make those limits.
too bad there arent rules, so we could just do whatever.

like right now, i have an essay due tomorrow at 2:50 p.m.
and i feel rushed, and in my mind, all i'm saying is, i wish there was more time. but i have practice in an hour or so, then ill come home at like 7 or 8. and then ill be rushed to cram this essay and type bullshit answers and probably cant even get to 7/8 pages in a matter of a couple hours and being able to get enough sleep. ahh the stress it can do to a body.

and all im stuck left to say is: i wish there was more time.

i wish i could write better and hella good. that way, this essay wouldnt be a problem.

and sorry to readers who come across my blog, sorry if it just sounds like complaints, i dont mean to, but i guess that's what venting is, right? when you vent, theres something wrong or bothering you.

im gonna start trying to blog about ponderous things now.
im determined.
im looking at life with a lot of determinations now. especially with careers/jobs and where i wanna be, and how i wanna be with my boyfriend.
gotta create morals yo.

i wanna fall in love. will you catch me, when i fall?
<3

god, thank you for everything. keep that wish of mine in thought, please? i'm scared.

Feelin hella unsure about things. Do you actually like me?

You know, i wonder if you really do care, and do like me, welll... for me. its very easy to say things, like our inside comments, and that you're there. but are you just saying that because were dating and people just say that shit because it's "supposed" to be said? cuz if so, fuck that. i dont wanna hear it. i want things to be all real. and if you reallly dont like me, then dont lead me on to thinking i can open up and just give you all of me.

thats all i ever want to do for a person. just give all of me to them. i want them to want me sooooo much, and soooo bad, that when i give up, i feel like its all worth it.
but right now, i feel so denied, you dont even miss me. so what are we then? just having fun?
i dont wanna be just having fun anymore. that was the beginning. now that were together. i just wanna mean SOMETHING, anything at all. we dont have to be uberly serious. i just want you to care deeply. crave me. want to be with me all the time. something.

i hope im not just some girl. and you know that. Now theres something, YOU KNOW.

i miss him. but he doesnt miss me. sigh.

but i learn to make not big deals and keep shit to myself. i know its bad. but its easier to deal with personally.
i move on and deal. with some complaints now and then.
[but does that mean im hurting myself?]hmm.

i miss friends. but they could care less. no effort is being made. so is this the point im supposed to decide to drop them? or go back to being the nice me and always giving more than one chance to come back.
and the factor of being friends for hella long years plays part too. its not that easy to drop something youve built for so long. you know? i just wish they cared to an extent where they tried as much as i did to hang out, talk, or anything.

bitch.

I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO CARE. I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO BE THERE.
*verge of sobbing* this is my weak point. ai..:[

but i guess on the brighter side. last night was really nice.
i ended up kicking it with khrys and jackie. and i was coming from rissas house and she made me CDS. ah that made my day. i needed new music for my car. haha especially slow jams. going back tho alil bit, earlier in the day, i was hella bored too, since i didnt have a bf to hang out with. so in the morning, after class, went to khrys's hella early at 9 with doughnuts :] and TRIED to watch movies, ghost of girlfriends past and shutter, but we got distracted, and then we had to pick up one of her cousins from laguna creek hs cuz she felt sick. and then she had to go to work. soo. i found another friend to kick it with and shes a friend from school and her name's Janet. and we just ended up going to eat sushi at Osaka and then looked around at VIVI's. then she had to go to work too at Carl's jr. haha. a guy at the sushi place had the coolest blue fohawk though too. hella jealous of the color. i want my blue to be bright like that. and things just going from one to the next. and so after i went to jovins house. hahah it was HELLA random. but he helped with boredom. and we tried to get job apps at bestbuy and oldnavy. i got a skeleton shirt thing at old navy from the kids section. haha for some reason it stood out and i like it. thennnn it was time to hit up rissa. and we ended up picking steffi from monterey trails too and OMG on the way to rissas house, saw a crazy ass fight. those people got outta the cars and start pulling hair and kneeing each other. crazy shit. but we left. haha cuz it was a stoplight. YEAH THEY STOPPED THEIR CARS HELLA CRAZY AT THE STOPLIGHT AND GOT OUT. crazy crazy. hah. then just chilled at rissas house. tried to help her study for SATS which hella youngns be taking right now. good luck for em. thennnn after that. went to go pick up jackie. and since i didnt have any money. we couldnt eat. and she was tripping how it felt weird for her to be the only one eating. ehh i didnt care. but she did. soooo i remembered about khrys's softball game in eg and we went to that. ahha and it was free. it was tight. cuz then we all got to kick it with each other. and watched her game and went to oscars. got food slammed in my face lmao. and i was surprised oscars was opened that late. ive missed those delicious breakfast burritos. then drove further into eg park for another softball game of hers. and then it was hella cold. and we were just sitting there. so me and jackie bounced and i took her home. it was a good night though. for a friday. :D

i please others before myself and then i realize i sacrifice more than i need to.
and i lose because i end up feeling hella abandoned and lonely.
what to do?
i need a balance thats what it is. or a backbone.
im just scared to say mean things and then end up losing people. its not worth it, if i can just deal it and not fuss.

im done. i dont wanna vent anymore. it creates a feeling of vulnerability spilling everything. because sometimes im used to keeping hella shit to myself. so this is going far than i usually do. and wow im kinda pathetic for being able to spill this online, but not to an actual person.

AHHH FUCK ALL THE BULLSHIT.

lets move on.

oh and srry for all my grammatical errrors. wrong periods. no caps. yeah...well if someone actually reads this. this is just how i type when i vent. my badddd.

i misss u. i missss you i misss you i misss you i missss you i misss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you. i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you.
i miss you.

do you miss me?
why do i miss you?

ugh. all i ask is for reciprocal stuff please. thats all.

i hope this is real and it lasts long.

dont lead me on.

give me confirmation. a sign of comfort

im hungry. good bye! later days. :D

This was made for me, not you. Not your judgment, but for my release. My own comfort. Sorry for being selfish a bit.

This is where i will pour out my heart. because i will not show/ tell anyone about this, unless they find it and read it. thats fine with me. but i just want a spot where i can blog and not have to worry about anyone reading it. because its a natural habit to edit something on a different blogspot, so it doesnt create this type of thought or judgment towards me. or w/e. ykno?

anyways....

how does one stop contradicting themselves?
like i realized helllla that i dont know how to stand up for myself
or utter my opinions w/o stumbling and not knowing how i came up wit the opinion.
basically i dont have a support for what i say.
i need to learn, and read more, and just know things.

and i need to choose one side, not both sides. hmm. i guess im just used to being the best of both worlds in the majority of things.

i dont think you (plural) miss me, as much as i miss you.

also like seriously, where the fuck are people when you need them?
___&____ supposedly my hella good friends cannnot be there.

what happened to being real? and friends being there for the joyness of their company?

i have yet to find someone i can count on, the way i do my ABSOLUTE BEST for others.
i try to make a difference, i try to be the one that dedicates my heart/time to you, anyone.
i want to be DIFFERENT.
but i think sometimes i try too hard to be different. its okay to be the same sometimes.

what else? i wanna talk about.

my dad doesnt love me anymore. like he used to when i was younger. he replaced me with hannah.
i do shit he doesnt like. it creates a grudge. fuck myself. i need to learn. i miss things.

i look back too much.
why?
because people ALWAYS SCREW ME OVER.
i will build up a wall, and when i choose to let it down, they change their minds, and choose to leave me on the side.
thats why im hesitant to be affectionate sometimes, like i want to be like that, but then i think people take it for granted, and just arent there anymore.
you arent my best friend. & i dont love you.

but i want to believe so. Sigh. major sigh.

i wonder what everyone is up to nowadays from middle school. i hope theyre living a good life. dont do stupid shit. stay strong and living. and surving. shit...

i wanna mean someone to somebody.
i want to love with ALL of my heart.
i dont wanna wait anymore.
i need a destination.
i need something to work at.
i need someone/something to make me happy again.
i need to find someone/thing i can dedicate myself to.


i just want. someone. to care.

ai. :/ someday...oneday...life has reasons. everything is meant to be. everything will flow. everything will work out.

it really just depends on how you view it.
be optimistic dont forget.

do you care?
ill end it with that.

its 8:37. are you loved?

later skater. later days.

sigh.

why do i keep looking back? because the beginning is always good. am i wrong?