Thank you, Nat.

You really helped. You understood out of all people. Cuz you've been there.

It really helped talking to you tonight.

You were the one who helped me the most so far.

I hope this brings us closer again. like it used to be.



Goodnight. Sweet dreams. <3

Lmao.

Lil broskie got a facebook.

haha.

I feel like i could never hate someone.

Unless you give me a really really good reason to piss me off.

i can say it, but i dont think ill actually feel it.

but even though people could do the most harshest things to me, i feel like i could never hate them.

why? ionno. i think cuz at one point, we both cared a lot for each other. now one stopped, and well, i haven't.

Why can't any two people ever care the same amount with each other?

Why is it impossible? 

Why does one have to care more for the other?

I ask you world, God, why?

Done.

What do you do when you find out, one by one, that people don't care about you anymore?

I hate when other people or i myself ask, "what are you doing later?"

and i think nothing, because i dont really have a busy life, or friends to hit up.

this is sad.

Sometimes i hate the reality of things. Cuz see,

people are always gonna say:

yeah, hey come back and visit us again!
or i miss you, lets hang out!
or keep in touch.
or i love youuu. 
or just all these sweet talk stuff.

BUT

is any of it real?

are we actually going to keep in touch and commit to these things?

that's why getting attached is the hardest part.
yes you make the most awesomest memories ever doing whatever you guys did.
but when it comes to an "end", that's when you're like, now what do i do?
ive been used to doing this for so long and its become a habit, but now that i have to break it.
and i know starting new things can be a good thing and help make a change.
but when somethings so good, why change it?

right now. i hate the fact that im constantly missing something.
so change, can you just pause for a bit? and let me keep steady for abit?
just a bit?

fuck. i miss a lot shit.

but then again, i do remember new things can be good and be another positive addition in your life.
but thats just another something you might have to miss later on.

ahh the process never stops.

idk.

CARE.

is a big issue with me.

I literally wonder what everyone does with their time.

busy or free.

If i leave early from an event, i don't want to feel as if i missed out on anything.

Right now, I don't like this silence.

Gotta do hw though.
this online lecture crap is boring.

We're all just caught up in doing our own thing, with only exclusive people.

That's not cool.
I like the word "together" sometimes or maybe even now & then, please.

I love all of you,

but do you care back? i'd like to know.

one by one, it seems like people don't.
did i do something?

why is it this way?

questions & uncertain answers are all i have right now.

i dont know what to do.

i need care. no, i want care.

I keep waking up to an empty, quiet, lonely house.

This is not helping.

I don't know what to to do today.

Sleeping in his clothes tonight. < 3

he's helping me so much right now.

and so is she. she makes effort.

others dont.

how do i know if i should let go or not?

My own dad does not care about me anymore.

What do i say/how do i respond to that?

Let's start the day with good intentions.

Keep your head up.

I'm grateful for him.

a lot.

Sometimes it's that one step further that's hard to take.

but i like taking risks and taking initiative sometimes anyway.

I can BE a happy girl.

i can.

Yes now it's time to grow up and be on your own.

But is it so wrong to be on your own, and ask for some company along the way sometimes?

Right now, all i miss are just my friends.

i miss making plans.
i miss going and doing random stuff.
i miss laughing like crazy.
i miss not knowing what were doing WITH them. not on my own.
i miss contact.
i miss them.
i miss their care.

nuff said.

Jenni, why do you make yourself so uneasy about that stuff?

you give the advice to other people who feel the same way, but why dont you take it yourself?

yes, im being defensive so i dont get screwed over. but maybe right now its too much.

why cant you just rely all only on the fact that you just need to trust. thats pretty much it.

and stop being insecure.

i have all the right motivation in my head...but why dont i just take it?

easier said than done.

easier to hear it from someone else whos feeling the same way.

I like phone calls.

Look.

Look back on your past. Look/reflect, not dwell, but look.
Look how far you've come.
Look through everything you've been through.



Be grateful for all those experiences. Everything.

Look where you are now.

Can you believe it?

Try to never miss a call ever ever again! I hate the feeling. And I missed it from the boo today. Grr. I always want to be THERE right away for anybody. Blahhh. No more. Never again.

Have something to look forward to in life.

What's up with the old nicknames coming back? haha

jen-jen and jjjeni?

ahhhhhhh shit. hahahahha

AND I find him on facebook. wtffffff?

everybody on fb adding their ex's. lmao.

Even though you aren't talking to me right now, i'm still there for you.

And i mean it.



was gonna text you that today, but i backed out. 

haha can't believe i just said it, but, i can't wait to learn!

my astronomy and philosophy classes are sooooo intriguing and interesting.

my kinda thing too. :]

Hope.

i can't take it anymore.

i'm back to school and i STILL feel this way.

God, help me. I don't know what to do.

i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know.


who do i please first?

what do i doooooooo?

Can't even ask me?

then who am i to you?

The feeling of letting someone down...

ugh....





dont like having to choose between two.

You know....it's weird.

Right in my mind, when i'm thinking. oh please someone make my day.


someone just asked me how are you? and said they were just checkin up on me. not in that way. but just kind of like a random hello.


that made me feel a little better. it came out of the blue too which makes it better/kinder.

this happens a lot. i feel like people just happen to read my mind or it somehow just becomes all coincidences that i occasionally run into .

dont bring any hopes up.

im scared for my future life. not gonna lie. keep thinking about it. and what im gonna do, what i have to, where im gonna go, who im gonna be with.

can we just take it slowly and feel every moment and not let it pass by?

so many thoughts in my head recently.

this is weird.

Do you believe in karma?

agh. im scared. i hope it doesnt bite me.

Do you have/ know someone, that at ANY moment, for ANY dumb, smart, stupid, wacky, crazy, random reason, that you can call and they'll be RIGHT there I N S T A N T L Y?

pssh. i wish i did. but i'll be that for you.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO ACCOMPLISH IN THIS LIFE?

What?

Why do i have this really irritated feeling coming from the bottom of my stomach?

im not even sure where its coming from.

this week is gonna be hectic til saturday and then sunday i will get to relax.

i hope things will "flow" and work out however they can. and work out GOOD.

please let me get classes.
please don't let her get mad for ditching. eep. cuz i really wanna go to the other thing.
i did make plans first. but then it comes to priorities and stuff. and blah blah. yeah...
ionno.
deed's been done. cant go back/take back what you mentioned.
hope that saturday will be fun. and friday perhaps.
and let's be happy.

let's figure out stuff in life.

growing up mayn.

i really wanna just talk to someone on the phone right now and have a deep insightful conversation.

mmkay.

Constant reminder from everyone in life:

You're on your own.


-_______________-

Creep. Will you leave me alone?! You're freaking me out. Definitely on the verge of stalking. UGH!

Everyday i remember again and again why i chose....

you.

;)


you make me feel like i've never felt before.

Some.

Damn that was a major flashback.

I haven't been called that in forever.

High-energy.

right now.

i'm like hella excited, giddy, hyper.

i got alllll this energy.

lets do something with it. :]

whoo!

So.

I spent a good while looking up pictures to upload here on blogspot to have a nostalgic post. but after choosing all the photos i wanted, and then clicked ok. it only did uploaded one photo.

i have no idea how to do it. well sorta. but now im lazy to go back. that took a long while.

but anyways...my point was....


it was nice to look back at everything. i smiled, and had a laugh now and then.

but damn. good memories. really good.

i miss that feeling where everything just felt so awesome. but friends are missing in action right now in my life.

sigh.

I love the feeling you get when you're like YES i got their new cd album/or ANY new music.

i love music. :]




that's something you can share in this world.

Out of all the things in the world, i'm glad music is something we all can share.

putting Ryan Leslie:"Valentine" on repeat atm.

I want to spend this storm with someone.

Move on.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

"I think it's time we take a trip to the back
Girl yo body's talkin and I'm lovin what she says
Dont you be afraid to
Let me elevate you
Welcome you to super, duper Jupiter Love"

-trey songz.


im craving. haha.

I like people who call just to.....call.

you care.

If she screws you over...if ever

don't come running to me.

Today,

keep your head up.

I realized you are the source to it all.

Right now, you're the only thing that keeps me going.

Why does everything change so quick, so fast, so sudden without a warning?

sigh.

I don't wanna lose you.

the thought of it makes me sad.
why won't you talk to me?
why are you making all this tension?
you're my friend. what did i ever do to make you feel this way?
did she say something about me to change your mind?
why are you moving on?
i have no beef with you.
i cant think of any other reason that could upset you.
why are you declaring without any words but with your actions, that we are no longer friends?

this really breaks my heart.

i used to do hella shit with you.
we were like the duo that went everywhere together and we all knew the same people.
you've been my friend for so long. why end it?
over what?
i havent done ANYTHING.
if i did, please EXPLAIN.

i don't want to not have you in my life.




what happened....?

Excited for future events. Cheska's debut. Possible house-sitting by myself/with boo! Marissa's party=old friends reunion? School: New classes.

Crazy how being out can completely change the mood up and thoughts huh?

Better day today. :D

feelin giddy and just better. i had a good time tonight.

I just want to see you.

Rough night.

You know i really wish all my posts weren't sad. I want happiness everywhere exerted, which i can do.

it's just not happening right now. and im not gonna be fake about anything. no bullshit. what's real. and even though it may be a lil depressing. im trying. im trying to get a point where im satisfied. when i was younger, i was such a joyful little girl. i wonder what happened. i think i grew up and more things came my way. more things to think about. well basically. i do wanna be happy. im not trying to be a sad person. i dont wanna be one of those people that they all do is complain. i really don't. if somethings wrong, then ill work to do right.

that is all.

Would you be there WHENever, WHEREever i needed you?

Oh really, cause all i ever hear are excuses.

im sick of it.
im sick of it.
im sick of it.
im sick of coming home and crying every day.
im sick of feeling that i have no one.
not even a boyfriend.
not even a best friend.
not even an old friend.
not even my family.

then where else do i turn to?

not myself.

i didnt ask to be alone.

i'm tired of feeling like this.
God help me.

*sobs her heart out like she's never done before*

no one understands...

The same feeling everyday....

Again, i call you and you and you and you and you and all of you, BULLSHIT.

you're not there.


i'm always left to be on my own.


i'm tired of this shit.

When does this repetitive feeling stop?

Yes, when i change it.
but i can't do it on my own.
people do not need to be alone in this life.
i didn't ask for it.

i wanna stop crying.
:[

There's something about the word "ease" that helps ease my mind.

Everything aches.

didn't get enough sleep. slept wrong. my neck aches. my arms ache. my heart aches.

ahh.

Why am i so insecure with

not feeling as if im the most important thing if ranked in anyone's to take care of list?
that my boyfriend doesnt want me?


what the fuck is wrong with me?

I feel so lost in life. I don't know what to do.

I don't wanna lose things anymore. I'm scared. I don't wanna lose a friend, a boyfriend...myself,

:[

I fear each day you don't want me anymore.

I've known from the day we made it offical,

i want you.

You said you'd called, but you didn't.

what's the reason, *cough excuse* this time?

I don't think you care for me anymore.

There is no effort being made back.

What the fuck to being hella good friends?

-_-

im not gonna give the excuse of "we're just doing our own things; oh, she's busy; or new friends,"

Bullshit.

I'm scared i'm going to have an anxiety attack. or w/e it is.

My heart can't stop pounding really fast.

i need to calm down.

but what's causing it?

Plain and Simple: I don't know...

...where to go from here.

“The only way you can write the truth is to assume that what you set down will never be read. Not by any other person, and not even by yourself at some later date. Otherwise you begin excusing yourself.”

mmhmm.

I wanna know...feel...that there's more to life. I know there is. but the certainty, i need to feel it.

Because right now i feel stranded, lost, and have completely no idea what to do, or know who to count on.


im on my own...

and that's how it's "supposed" to be apparently.

i hate

i want someone to turn to. i want to stop this feeling like i'm so alone.

i'm tired in every single way. my mind, my heart, my body.

i'm tired.

searching for more.

i thought davis would sorta be like a break for me to get away. but it was just like any other chill day, just looking for something to do with new people. yet i did enjoy it. but i guess you could say, i dont wanna just chill anymore. i dont wanna look for something just to do. i don't even know how to explain the feeling. maybe i just wanna know im going somewhere? yes, each day is new. but i need a guide? ionno. i really don't.

theres a big question on my mind lately:

Am I happy?

I wanna run away...right now. Right. Now.

Tonight was so fucking random.

old friends from middle school.
in n out.
boba.
random people.
shell gas station.
cop catchin us in the park.
two clean though.
nice ass creek.
strikes parking lot.
hot wings.
goodbye.

I need to get away.

I need to get away.
i need to get away.
i need to get away.
i need to get away.
i need to get away.
i need to get away.
i need to get away.
i need to get away.
i need to get away.

:[

Taking one breath at a time.

"When the only way to stay sane is to concentrate on anything else but how you feel. "

pssh yuppp.

Please please please put my heart intact.

I don't think anyone will ever UNDERSTAND how alone i feel at times, and i hate it.

right now, i have never felt so alone, like i have no one to count on.

and when i actually do try to "hit people" up because they have told me, they'd be there, well they still haven't proven me wrong.

sure people get busy. but i'm tired of hearing that EACH time i need someone.
this has happened for EVERY instance of my life.

for once, i'd like to hear, i'm RIGHT here for you.

fuck that hella hit my heart to type.

im so unhappy with things right now.

i hate being alone.

sure people say you need to learn to be independent, and find something that makes ME happy.

but i already know what makes me happy..which are PEOPLE. why can't that be accepted?

my happiness sparks from seeing people, talking to people, making memories, laughing about everything and anything. just doing random, spontaneous things in life. people are my joy.

yeah the happiness doesnt come from myself. but is that wrong?

does it absolutely mean i dont love myself? because sure i do, i mean i might have insecurites. but im grateful and love myself in every single way.

but i do admit that it sucks that i have to depend on others to make myself happy.

my boyfriend makes me happy, but hes in the bay having hella fun doing whatever.

my good guy friend is probably coming home from magic mountain with another friend, also having hella fun.

and my two other friends were able to go to the bay too TOGETHER and make their MEMORIES.


it just makes me ponder.....where are my friends so i can make memories too?
then when i try to think of who to hit up to go out and do stuff, that list barely exists, and if i do end up contacting somebody, they dont even make any effort back whatsoever. or they take FOREVER to reply back. im sorrrrry urgency will actually let me know you're THERE.

bullshit.

im so fucking lonely and depressed.

and i think im losing a friend. how much does that suck? :[

im unhappy, can someone cure me? :[[[[[

i just need someONE, anyONE...

to count on.

sigh.

major major major sigh.

and if i were to explain to someone how i feel, it would just make me feel stupid, because they keep telling me some other excuses, and not allow me to feel how i feel. people are always trying to move on too fast. im here to take it step by step. and they keep saying to fuck it and be independent. sorry im not here to push my feelings back and keep em inside. im done doing that shit.

but it'd just be nice for someone to understand. and relate for sure.

i think i need to spark my own happiness. i mean it sounds like the solution.

but i already know what makes me happy, and now i have to change it.
argh.

i dont know what im saying anymore. brains scattered.


tired of not having anyone to count on.

tireddddd.
tired.
tired.
tired.
tired.

my heart is tired.


"rest your weary heart and relax your mind" -justin timberlake.


i'm trying. i am.

I like how far we've come together. I like you.

Why is it so easy to miss what used to be?

Is it bad to act on spur of the moment?

i think it is sometimes. well from my own experience, i do stupid things if i react instantly. sometimes...

I want to take a road trip. like hella bad. i wanna be the one driving late at night to some far off place...an adventure.

haha too bad when i say that, the next day, HELLA people are in the bay.


damn.

hella jealous. hhaha.

My weak spot: NOSTALGIA.

I think it's crazy how that one special person can take over your mind and constantly be on it.

weird. but ^_^

I'm so unhappy, I can't even admit it. :/

from Misscarolinexoxo

"Baby, Oh baby
You've been running through my mind all day long
And I've been waiting
To feel your warm embrace it makes me feel so at home
I'm walking to your door butterflies are taking over me
You're so understanding and that quality of yours gets me weak
And I just can't help the feelings that I feel for you
You got me goin crazy I don't know what to do

And every time I bear my soul my heart gets to racin'
And then you kiss me"

If it was possible, i wish i could feel that "warm" feeling in my heart always. I like the way it feels.

There's something missing. I don't feel up to any potential. i feel lost. i feel stranded. im scared.

i feel abandoned.