My mind, not yours.

Bye.

SWV: "Right here"

11

Songs i imagine hearing at my wedding :]

Alicia Keys: If i aint got you
Ginuwine: differences

Think about it. Is love ever equal?

One always cares more, don't they?
Someone brought the idea to my mind.

Alicia Keys, Musiq Soulchild, Marques Houston, Amy Winehouse.

You made my night.

I miss family vacations. Looking through peoples' vacations photos looked fun.

now we're old. haha.

Getting better at this whole "don't count on people as much anymore"

Ill keep to myself again, thank you very much.
I don't want to tell you, you, or you, anything anymore.
If i do, that's when i'll be comfortable, i guess. but it doesnt really matter as much.
It's my business.
Keep going on.
Doing my own thing. Continue to live my life. 

Lately been talking to people and theyre feeling the same way.

Same, repetitive, boring cycle and it keeps revolving and revolving.
need something new and different to spice up lifestyles.
people get bored staying at home in summer, ykno.

Who keeps asking me about her?

SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.

I swear if youre hella messing. i wanna sock your face. stupid shit.

today i established in my mind: NEVER w/you.

i give chances. but with you, never.

Sad.

People move on.

And no one wants to stay.

A summer night to me is:

When i come across a night where i stay up til 5 in the morning, not knowing what to do after the day has passed by. and im on the computer for hours editing something. or going through pictures. and i watched tons of movies in the day on the bomb ass movie channel like stars or hbo. or when i go outside in the backyard to play with the younger kids. or when i go around with the aunts or parents to do errands cuz im bored. or when were all sitting on the patio and im listening to the adults talk in Vietnamese of past stories that are interesting and funny. when im sitting outside just gazing at the stars. :]]] where i talk to friends on the phone til sunrise. when im on aim doing nothing but chatrooming with my buds talking about nonsense. haha. where im laying in bed watching youtubes of choreography and people dancing. when im cleaning my room at 2 in the morning cuz im so bored blasting my music and singing so its somewhat fun. lawl.

reminiscent.

How did i know?

Spotted it right on.

What if someone was so against the thing you were doing? That you heard everyone tell you it's wrong. But what if it was something that made you happy?

What do people choose?

Maybe it's time to clean out all the old things.

Yuppp.

"Why are you always paranoid?"

Maybe cuz one thing can lead to the next
maybe because of the way people act all of a sudden and change habits
maybe because of an experience that happened
maybe cuz people cant be trusted
maybe because people tend to be all about themselves
maybe cuz ive been there before and i dont wanna go there again


cant let my paranoia get out of hand though. i need to stop.

"The way I feel for you will always be the same, just as long as your love don't change."

-Musiq Soulchild

Jealousy is an ugly thing.

I fucking HATE having something to worry about.

I FEEL SO SHITTY RIGHT NOW.

Ugh. Sometimes I wish there was never such thing as "worry."

SNIP SNIP.

To the people I don't need in my life.

"For better or for worst, I still will choose you first."

I love that quote.

Musiq Soulchild mayn.

Music, I never have a problem with you.

In the mood of: "I hate everyone."

Even though I really don't mean it.

Maybe I should be alone in this world.

People mention that no one deserves to be alone.



But then why do people keep choosing that option? Why do people choose to be selfish, do things for themselves, neglect people, forget to care about others?

Why?

My issues and all my shit keeps getting repetitive.

This needs to stop and change. Reading through stuff it'll probably say the same thing:

-want adventure
-miss people/groups
-lonely/alone
-hate everyone, music is the only thing that helps
-etc.

something along the lines of that.
fucking change this shit, jenny.

Better :]

TOOODAYYYY.

I don't wanna lose people.
Realized paranoia is the cause of all my problems/arguments.
Weather was beautiful today.
I fucking love the wind. 
No words have to be said. You can just tell by body language to determine a person's mood.
Today had goods and some downs.
but balance is all you need.
Very nice to take me in today and actually CHILL with me. Very nice.
Nervous, anxious, excited. Sleepover perhaps?
Music soothes my soul.
Craving for adventure and even more spontaneity.
Keep feeling like there's always gonna be more and more to take on.
I'm not done.
Keep persisting til I'm satisfied or feel accomplished/finished.

I keep getting scared my procastination is something hella ugly to him and turns him away.

I want to sleep so bad...:'[

I'm so exhausted to the point that I'm actually crying because I'm so tired.

Barely catching up on eating,
need to catch up on sleep,
being sick for a while, 
finish building this bunk bed frame all by myself,
it's so draining, my hands are blistered,
finishing my chem hw, and that stupid lab, which i dont even know how to do,
doing my comms speech that i need to make up on,
the emotional wear from other people,
driving so much,
i'm just tired.

i wanna sleep away and just fall asleep under the stars.
and relax.

thats why i always choose to relax,
i hate the feeling of worry when im stressed and just exhausted.

i want to rest so bad. but i have obligations and duties i have to do.

There's nothing like actually being there, wherever you'd like to be. Cause it's the real thing/experience. You can touch, feel it, grasp it.

R O L L E R S K A T I N G.

*mouth waters*

i get hellllllla anxiety whenever i think i can go. don't let me down. let me goooooo. get that rollerskating high. haha. :] i need to get it and be away. can't focus.

If I tie my hair around you, that means i'm COMPLETELY comfortable.

I just want to spend the day with you. The weather is SO nice!

I can't believe it's been half a year. Happy 6 months baby. I wish I couldve talked to you more today. But thank you for treating me better than anyone else could. I actually want to come to you when I need comfort/support.

I can't help but feel that I'm not done for the day, that I'm not finished, that more could have been said/done, that there simply could have just been more to the day.

Happy he spent a whole day with me. And understood how I felt.

It's happening again. Please don't let 7th grade repeat itself.

My heart would not be able to take it again. I can't.

I hate choosing homework over spending quality time with my little cousins.

Because quality time is what they're gonna remember when they grow up.
But no they're gonna remember that i rejected them to do my stinking homework.
There's this guilty feeling i get.
But then again, studies are important.
But still. I don't like choosing.
It's hard to be in a position where i have to choose between my boyfriend and friends too.

shit.

Sometimes i just don't know how to put myself first.

I'd rather care too much, than to not care at all.

What's a car without a destination?

Isn't its purpose to get a person from point A to point B?
Well, I ask again, what's a car without a destination?

You think it's always better to know, that to not?

Maybe I think so. Most of the time, I would rather know.

Enough of this "separate", Let's be "together".

I just had a thought.
I keep thinking oh, i'm not that important right now compared to blah blah other shit you got to do.
In regards to talking to anybody.
It just made me think, well, i want to be a priority to somebody.
I want to be important to you, whoever that is.
The way i put certain people as my priorities.
I don't want to be the last thing on your list.
I want to matter to you just as much as you do to me.

Make sense?

My energy's on & off. I have hella energy at one point to do a thing. Then the next, i'll just be hella tired and wanna crash.

Where's the switch button?

I feel good, my heart's feeling warm. But there's just something about today. Like i'm not ready to finish the day. It's not over. I'm not done yet. There can be more.

Keep going. Push yourself. Motivation. Finish, so you don't have to worry later.

I miss those days in summer where days felt numerous, obligations or responsibilities weren't really that necessary, adventures were possible to occur at anytime of the day, and anything just seemed quite possible.

I'm not gonna lie,

I like it when people hit me up when they're bored.

to converse or hang out.

makes me not feel alone.

I say that word too much.

MEMORIES.

<3

I want one of those days, when you fall asleep, and it just feels that the whole world is all alright and okay for a moment.

For a moment, it feels like there's nothing wrong. That people are content.

Opposites.

Whenever i'm motivated, everyone's hella lazy.
When i'm lazy, everyone's on top of their shit and productive. haha.
When i'm lonely, everyone's having hella fun.
When i'm having a good time, people got drama.

Stability mayn. Where is it at?

When guys hit on girls while driving on the street,

what makes em think that it'll go anywhere further than a "holler"?
haha is the girl supposed to stop her car and be like omg, i'm sooo interested.
haha let me get them digits.

SIKE. haha.

forreals tho. whenever i get hit on while im driving, and some dude yells through his car, im just like, really?? really? haha
and just laugh and keep on driving.

have fun with that ya weirdo. hahaha.

Just when i get used to not having that something,

It teases me right back and runs right under my nose giving me a sniff, making me wanting a bite of that taste.


Urgh. Don't let me be lonely, God.

For once...

I kinda just don't wanna talk to anybody.

I'm falling.

And there's no where else i'd rather be.

Let's cuddle up and watch a movie. Weather fits. Homework can be finished EASY tomorrow morning.

Let's relaxxxxx.

I choose to relax too much. ahha. I mean hey, it's a better option.

"You're just fun to talk to."

See that's starting to get really weird, cuz im hearing it from guys, when they text me and shit, and im just like, am i actually really cool to talk to, my "one of the guys" thing happening, or is it just something completely different. yeah. haha..

I mean its nice to hear and all, but yet still really weird to hear. hahah i chuckle at it.

Today was a "really good mood" day :D

Saw Elise for a bit. got to see her new phone!
ahha cuz of our epic day the day before where she accidentally broke it, while i asked when she's gonna get a new phone. ahh the irony. lol.
Tried a strawberry rice krispie. it was weird. hahhahaha. new thing though.
Then hubby hit me up. Fshooo.
Then i stopped by to talk to Monica Topete at school. and we had an awesome conversation.
haha it was so unexpected. and we bonded and got cooler. haha. :]
then hung out with the boyfriend. made me giddy and that was the start to putting me in a good mood the whole day. its been a while.
Ran into Amanda and Graham today too. Randommmm.

And today Chris said the cutest thing to me today that he's ever said. haha i really liked it.

im just having that positive good energy again. :D
keeeeeeeeeeppppp itttttttt goooinnnnngggggggggg.


I also like spending rainy days being out and about with people and not stuck in my room.

:]]]]
im feeling good.

I wanna spend time with you. Not a quick drop-by.

If I could, I'd walk around the house in my underwear. haha.

"Come here rude boy, boy, can you get it up?"

-Rihanna

It's been stuck in my headdddd. stuck on the song.

I LOOOOVE random opportunities.

Thank youuuuuuuuuuu. I'm so happy/giddy/excited.

You never know what could happen. :]

I like when we watch something together, and I'll legitimately laugh at something out loud, and you'll look at me as if I did something really cute.

^__^

I know i need to change my ways. I'm wayyyy too defensive about everyone and everything. As if everyone's out to get me.

They're not.
"There's a difference between knowing and doing."

I'm learning. 

Small world.

[on my way walking to comms class, around 7:50 in the morning.]

S: *smiles* Hey. I knew i've seen you somewhere else.
J: *confused* *thinking: who are you?* Are you that guy who gave me a ride in the garage cuz i couldn't find my car. ohhh wait, nvm, it's that guy that transferred to work at old navy that i used to work at and talked to me at the register.
hahaha.

Nice to meet you, Seylin. See you around.

Got to listen to a classmate play the ukulele today too! its been a long while! one of the things that made my day.

Friday, February 26, 2010. Damn i missed the crew.

5 boys. 5 girls. 
Connection's not there anymore. I miss bonding with everyone.
Nice that mike came up to me and asked if i was okay and rubbed my shoulders like i was getting ready to wrestle someone. haha.

"This isn't just about you, this is about us."

First time hearing that. Never had anyone point out that it wasn't about me.
Weird thing is, that's the first time I've ever only talked about me.
I've always talked about other people's feelings in consideration.

I know I act stupid when I act on my temper, anger, spur of the moment.

Bad ideas...

Damn a three-way phone conversation would be fun right now like the good old days.

Too bad it's not possible, cuz we aren't even friends right now.

I don't think you care.

I'm so mad at you. And the thing is, you don't even know it.
My feelings just keep being not taken in consideration and keep getting hurt.
I'm fucking irritated/heated.

Thanks for letting me be the one who always cared more.

-_-

There are other ways to contact me.
Thanks for the effort.
I wish you remembered.
I did ask about your safety.
Nice to know you remembered me.
You had your fun. You're probably tired.
Im not gonna bitch at you.
Ill just wait.
Cuz im still ticked off/mad at you for disrepecting me like that.
We'll talk whenever you hit me up.
Cuz i always have to fit to your schedule anyways...

-_-

Even though I'm being nice and still caring for your safety, I'm still mad at you.

Jerk.

MY BODY.

I love shaving and feeling so smooth in the aftermath, and my smooth skin brushing up against the walls of my clothes and reminding me it feels so smooth. Smoooooth. Put lotion on.

I like wearing sexy underwear and having no one know it except me. I'm just like hah, i feel confident. You can't see what I'm wearing. haha. Tease.

This is my body. There is no duplicate. This one is mine. Some days i might criticize, but i like it. And i might not be the fittest girl.

But this is my body. And i like it.

Stop this feeling of being let down. Over and over and over. I can only take so much.

I hate people who screw people over.

& the word best friend.
I wish i could count on/go to you always. 

-_- people keep saying bring (insert name here or ask do you have anyone to bring) with you, so you're not alone?

and im like no, boyfriend is busy, doesnt want to go, not his thing, im not always with him,
my other friends who are girls have boyfriends that theyre always with. or my guy friends have their girlfriends.
so theyre busy. 
i lost the one friend i was really close with that actually was a girl.
i cant bring guy friends to small kick its, cuz itd seem like a date.
im not on that close personal level with certain people.
im sorry no, i dont have anyone to bring.

except me, myself and i.

even if i did try, everyone is busy. that's usually the case.

so no i dont.

NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHERE I'M COMING FROM WHEN I SAY I FEEL ALONE?

urgh. it'd never used to be like this...

How is tonight going to work out?

Eep.

Honestly, all i wanna do is lay with you, cuddle, watch/listen to the rain fall, talk to you about everything & anything, have the best conversation ever, and just act like there are no worries in the world.

Just enjoyment of just being.

Shit.

I hate unintentionally running into hearing my parents argue at each other and yelling. and hearing my mother cry.
I dont know if you feel the same way, but to hear your mother cry is the hardest thing to hear.

I keep running into people having bad days. like this morning with Audrey.

and it just makes me wanna help everyone.

I always wonder.

Blah. Sometimes i wish i never had to worry about what to do. Just cuz i know i'd just have you. But this is not the lifestyle we established. Or maybe i just wish i didn't lose people and the connection it used to be.

Still feel unfinished....

Throwback.

"It's like Romeo and Juliet.
Hot sex on the platter just to get you wet.
You's about to get in something you will never regret.
And it's gonna be the bomb, this is what i bet. Yep!"

-Silk E Fyne

Hahha. used to hellllla sing this song back in the day.

"AWWWWWWWWWWWW."

I'll say aww when I say aww. hah. ^_^

I got to say what i wanted to say. No holding back. G'Night.

I liked chilling today in the warm sun at the lofts with my new buddy jules and having pancakes made by his roomate carlos! haha
and having lunch today @ Red Robin wit all of em. Jose john josh amanda me table of 5. Good shit.
and someone aka john actually showed they care. it was sweet. text got to my heart. aww.

Thank you.

Tomorrow is another day, waiting to put all my energy that i've been hella havin this whole week hopefully to exciting use.

Tomorrow open mic or masquerade?
Ahh. this mightttt be a little difficult.

open mic=old friends, crew, the peeps. BUT there's her.
she said she didnt mind. but i mean, would it be awkward? the other tag a longs might be there.

masquerade=dress up nice! going alone...sorta. drive to davis. far. late. not sure.

yeah. we'll see whatsupppp.

WSSUP tho.

i'd rather be *there. 

crazy how moods can change.

i might just be respectful, and let everyone have their fun. and not create anything. and to have no worries. and do shit on my own or something.

ionno. just bein considerate.

Hahah gonna fucking build his ego.

But i have the best boyfriend. a really good one. <3

Have patience with me.

This is odd. I'm not gonna lie. I think my parents are "dating" again. o_0 0_o

I hear voices in the kitchen. i'm like who the f is that? broskie? and its 11:31 at night. they never stay up and talk at the table and eat.


weird....haha. but nice.

Sometimes i like knowing that anything possible is up in the air.

For some reason i like laying in bed and just having a text convo with someone with nothing interrupting. Just all my attention on texting the person.

I think it's cuz it started with you.

Okay, it's reallllllyyyyy bothering me now. I gotta talk to him about it.

I think you take me for granted.
But i don't wanna bother you. You seem in a good mood.
ahhhhhhhhahsaafl;kjaslkfjasjflaskjfalsf.

Sometimes people don't realize it when i say:

"No one's ever done that for me before."
and it might be the little simplest thing. and they get all surprised.
but i mean it when i say no one really ever has done it for me before.
and it makes me that much happier.
because honestly, not a lot of people do stuff like that for me.
and when a chance does come across, i really appreciate it.

I like waking up everyday with a good mood/attitude, like nothing is bothering me.

All up in my own world. Don't bring me down.

Feenin' for warm-feeling moments. When everything just feels so good. Cause it's going good.

You don't control me.

You either know it, or you don't.

SEX THERAPY.

"Stressed out, uptight, over worked wow’d out
Unleash what you got let’s explore your naughty side.

Let me be your medicine.

It’s your body, we can love it you want to
As hard as you want to, soft as you want to
Just let me love you lay right here, I’ll be your fantasy
Give you sex therapy."

-Robin Thicke


hahhaha it was funny. i was playing this song today in my car on the way to the boyfriend's. and i stopped at a light. and some dude on my left was tryna holla. and kept creeping his car so that it would be next to me and match the window and say something. yeah. i just thought it was funny. someones trying to hit on me while i have that song playing. yeah...

lawl. 

sorry. nope!

Saying you would call, or people not replying to my text,

just proves to me even more that you're not there or can't even take my help, or even try to put some consideration.


no wonder it takes me a while to trust people and to actually believe the words, "im here"

well im SORRY.


FUCK THAT BULLSHIT. SHUT THAT FUCKING CRAP. I DONT BELIEVE YOU. YOU PISS ME OFF. DONT LIE TO ME.

-__-

hey hopefully maybe when you try to be there, i'll actually believe you.

Today i was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO antsy.

i had hella energy and was hyped up. and ready to take on something. and just do shit. go on an adventure.
but no one was available. i didnt even know where all the energy came from. i hadnt even eaten yet.
and i was hella rushed in the morning doing one thing to the next. maybe that's what started it.
then the whole day. just been shaky and bouncing around.
hopefully i did good on my gazillion chem quiz/tests today. eep.

i want to do something.

hopefully this bay trip works out on saturday. i'd be so happy. for the longessssst time, ive been craving a road trip. those ride homes, ykno, with people, enjoying memories, that quiet, long nap -time ride home. it just gives me a warm feeling.

ive been craving for it. it puts my heart to contentment. and its something new too.

lately...im just missing friends to make memories/adventures with.
theyre all non-existent when it comes to that relationship, because it either isnt cool anymore, people consumed by work, just acquaintances, or people moved on/grew up, or got boyfriends and girlfriends that take up all their time and emotions. see i have one, but i still have my own life. im not controlled.
but anyways. i miss just fucking hella spontaneity, not knowing what to do, doing something or nothing with friends, and just chilling.
chilling is what i do best.

knowing i spent my time with friends, even though we might not have done anything, does not seem like a waste to me at all.
i mean i really could say it was my time's worth. i live for that shit.
that shit makes ME happy.

i miss it. done. enough said from me.

Okay. You know how i'm random? Haha i wish one day, i could just say whatever came on my mind and came out, and someone would not be like, "oh....ok" like if it was weird,

But instead had something super random and cool to say back.

Haha it'd be a randomfest.

Sometimes people don't get my kookiness.

Live in the moment. I like to.

Talking about girls as "bitches" and being able to "get them" is the most ugliest thing i hear come from a guy's mouth.

Shut the fuck up.
Not fucking objects that you can easily catch. Maybe that's why some girls make it a chase.
Ionno. I really hate hearing that shit sometimes. When i hear it from a guy's mouth, it just makes me literally say, "Uhh that's ugly." and come to the conclusion of nope, don't go for that guy.
You hoe.
Have some respect.

Ahh. makes me get paranoid and question that it better not be all about sex.
don't screw me over. *throws fist ready for a punch*

I love having a long day wearing your "out" clothes then coming home and dressing down...

in pajamas. haha. ;)

it feels sooooo comfyyyy. i like.

Singing makes me feel better.

When i can't find someone to have a continuous, interesting conversation with.

Time just keeps going.

Will you pick me one simple flower? Don't buy any. Just a nice, pretty, delicate flower you saw on your way today. I'd appreciate it if you'd do so. It would make my day.

Just one simple pretty flower.

Don't needa be spoiled with a bouquet.

Just one.

I like simple things too.

I think every now and then, someone wants to be saved.

We wait for that one person to ask hey how are you, im here to help, and be the support you need/asked for. and nothing fake. they mean it.

Just like a superhero.

I can't take it anymore.

Can i come help and make your day?

I'd love to.

I said, don't use me.

-________________________________________-

cunt.

I find myself going back to places that held really good memories.

For all i wish is to make more good memories like it.

No more relapse.

Whenever i hear/read the words "i'm here for you," it actually hurts.

Cause the whole time im listening to it, i don't believe it. it hurts because it's all a lie in my mind. and my mindset is stuck on that. which may lead me to neglect people who are there.
but someone prove me wrong. be there when i actually ask and not on your occasion. im sorry i cant fit into your busy schedule. and im sorry that even if i might be busy, i'd drop anything just to be there for you.
fuck all that.
some people say it just to say it, and never prove themselves to be there when i actually need it.
i can recall several times when i asked for help, and they chose not to because of selfish decisions, only thinking about themselves.
When i ask for help....
please help.
Is it really all that much to ask?

My heart breaks each time someone tells me a lie.
Don't tell me you care, unless you actually do.
that's why i like genuity.
fuck all the fake bullshit.
its from your heart, or nothing at all.

"I like it when you're confident."

Why am i so scared of no one caring?

I live for random, spontaneous moments. I want a best friend. I want to fall in love.

Jenny, don't question yourself. It'll do damage.

Just know. Feel comfortable & safe. Don't hold back. Or convince otherwise. You'll know.


I am hella paranoid. 

I can't help but fall.

But i'm scared.

Can we go far? far in life? far in love? far in potential?

There's so much we can do in this lifetime.

Took the words and thoughts outta my mind & mouth.

"I wanna have one of those nights where you have no plans, and you just go where the wind takes you. Remember the adventures we used to have?"

Sometimes I don't like hanging out with people only when they can according to their schedule.

But it's the best i can do. It's either see them when i can, or not at all.
I'm too versatile. But hey it means, i'm there whenever, and i STAND by it. unlike liars.

I can't wait for 11 o'clock to come today, so i can just go home and sleep.

Damn. All i wanna do is watch youtube videos. haha. but i'm so close to being done with hw. sorta. i think. crap.

"Well, I guess you'll say. What can make me feel this way?"

"My girl."




hhahha. i'd hella melt if he said that to me. :]

"Can i kick it?"

Ugh, i wanna finish these lecture videos already. They're so boringgggg. I just wanna write my speech already and be DONE.

I get in these moods, where i know there's soooo much potential.

It doesn't stop here.

With life, i feel like i can do more. I feel good and content.
Gnna go bring the boy some food at work. Hopefully it'll make his day since he said he wasn't having one.
Helping the bro with rides. Gotta be safe.
Helped a friend last night at friggin 2 in the morning with a ride too.
But it'll be a nice memory. Luckily parents didn't really get that mad.
And today, this was the first time in a long while we did something together as a whole family. We went to the Viet church. haha.
It's nice to see my dad smile and reconnect with my mother.

I love you life. Thank you God for giving me it and the chance.

2 assignments done, 1 big and 1 small to go.

Goodnight.

There's nowhere I'd rather be, then with you.

Push yourself.

I like how it seems like there's a lot of people at home doing homework right now.

I had my fun for today. Now it's my turn to get down to business.

Let's go! Le-go. get it? haha.

Jenni, forreals, no more procastinating.

Fucking shit. I really should give THAT up for Lent. 

work. work. work. work. work. work. work.

all i wanna do is apply for jobs online, go on tumblr, watch movies, listen to music, clean my room for the new frame, and not get discriminated by my parents for it, watch code geass, and spend time with him. oh, and be calm and relaxed.

school mayn.

The more and more we grow up, the more we wish for our youth.

But sometimes i don't. Because wishing we could go back to being young when there were no problems is taking the easy way out. EVERYTHING you have ever experienced leads to the reason why the way you are, or what you have learned, or how it has made you stronger and help you to make decisions for something else/future.

Yes, there were no worries when we were young, and i myself hate worries. But really, do you want to be a toddler and not know anything?

I'd rather know something.

Is it ever bad to choose to relax?

See in my mind, people are always busy and rushing to do something and are just so caught up, that all they want to have time for is to relax.

I MAKE time to relax. It may lead to unfinished things, but relaxation benefits the mind, body, and soul.

I'd rather be content, then feel rushed/panicked/stressed/obligated/rushed.

Sometimes i wish you'd spend a long day with me.

Adventures are fun because of your friends.

You don't have to make them alone ALL the time.

Friends make it EXTRA fun.

i miss em.

Looking through pictures....

Why don't i take pictures anymore?

That's ALL i'd ever used to do.
Capture my adventures and shit.

Well lately, there hasn't been anyone to have adventures with or to create them.
Blah.

*Points the finger to everybody* DON'T EVER TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME.

I'm nice because i want to. but don't you dare take advantage.

You know, it's weird, you really don't want to believe something until you hear it the second time around.

That's when you know its not just something crazy and belief to one person.

Things can always be better. But...

I'm fine. I'll wait.





Why? Cause it's all worth it. the ups and the downs. :]

I'm GOOD. really.

Who do i dress for?

you. and only you.

Updated life.

Damn, he's hella doing productive shit, and he's HAPPY.
He's getting his priorities straight, and is actually being busy, but yet, knows how to have downtime too.

Hearing him talk about what's been going on with his life lately, updated, makes me think: what the fuck am i doing with MY life?

He seems so happy. I'm proud of him and FOR him.

Do something. Go far.

Today was a beautiful day. I loved relaxing at the levee actually. I just wanted to fall asleep there.
That might've been the sickness or just the nice warm weather.

Fuck. Something didn't hit me til now. Attachments are so hard.

That thing is a part of our memory and our beginning. :[

I want to take a nap in a public place.

ionno why for some reason...

I'm not letting this sickness hold me back.

But i can't decide if i should take a nap so that my body can be well-rested. or go and do something productive or just to do something.

I'm so sleeeppppy. i need to eat. didnt do that yet.

Goodnight. I hope people go to bed with their heart content. If not, at least for a second.

There should be no worries the last second before you go to sleep. Because sleep means to rest.
Worrying or fretting or anything else does not mean rest.


Sweet dreams world.

I looooove the way you touch me.

"LET'S JUST BE."

-Miguel Jontel ft. Ne-yo

I got the best text today. :D

"Ur laundry detergent smells hella bomb.
Smell likes you, and I <3 you. <=)"

I literally couldn't stop smiling and giggling in the car.
its cuz when i borrow his clothes, the smell is all i remember.
well actually its always been that way with me with anybody. guy-wise.
i love coming home smelling like him.

boo hella makes my day.

I think i've taken too many mean comments towards me now.

Enough is enough.
Stop telling me i'm not the daughter/girl you wanted. 

Sometimes it doesnt hit me that i need to make myself happy and not others first.
i can tell bf's trying to show me slowly.
its just hard when youre used to something else for so long.

Nice quote.

"Loving you always, all ways."

Problem between 2 cultures.

P R O D U C T I V I T Y?

 :]

Valentineeee's day. My first one.

I miss them and the chance of group kick-its now.

Stupid bitch.

Nervous for some reason. A lil scared.

I wanna dye my hair again.

PURPS?

Excited for a bunk bed.

hahha ive never had one before. seems alil childish.

BUT! it will help with organization oddly. haha.

cleaning up and new changes/rearranging.

yes.

Can we be S I L L Y Y Y Y Y Y Y?

yeah?



sure.

Good morning.

I like waking up early.

There's more to your day.

If you get to know me, oldies/throwback ALWAYS put me in a good mood. ^__^

especially after/during a shower, while getting ready, in the car, on a trip back home at night, with friends just relaxing.

There's just something bout it that gets to me.

Pretty weather today. I hope everyone is okay. People got shit going on. And i feel bad, cuz i was in that mood last week, but now i feel better and just trying to be more productive/make use.

We all deal.

Don't spend your whole time waiting for something, what's wrong with going after it?

Take that step. :]

Energy.

Even with lack of sleep, negative stuff, and losing every fucking thing on my computer.

I stay upbeat and feeling good. There's other better stuff you can look at perspective-wise.

Pissed bout the computer, but i move on, gotta start all over uploading shit, and deal. Hella memories i can't get back.

but still, whattttabitch.

Fuck now that i think about it, with everyone and every situation, in the end

I'm still there left saying: "I still care."

Don't take advantage of me.

I'm too nice of a person. There's like no hate created in situations.

wtheezy.

Hella energy. Heated. Gonna put this energy to use i guess. Folding all my mofuggin clothes. Im not gonna be able to sleep. And i got a quiz tmo. and i needa finish my lab.

Yeah.

Why is it when it seems like everyone's being really troubled with something, im hella calm. But when everyone is calm, i'm going crazy.

I just want to go and be the most calmest relaxed person. I want to go and lay down and just watch the stars.

Unfortunately tonight the sky is filled with clouds. Never seen it before at night. It's kinda cool. :]

WHY DO BRAS COST SO MUCH???

Jenni, don't forget to eat.

How did i develop this quality? haha. Mind's thinking alot all the time.

"Can I call you after?"

My reply is:

You can call me whenever, wherever, whatever, however, you can/want.

I will always pick up.

I WANT to be there urgently. 

Heart's pumping. Nervously.

Every day is just another day. Well how bout no, lets try to make every day have something meaningful.

Dont let time go to waste.

"You better treat her good."

Silence in my room is eery.

Time to play music.

It's weird, even though we never talk or anything, me and her will always turn out to have some similarities or be thinking/going the same thing.

Today the reoccurring thought i had to myself was: I know what i want.

And what do you know, i read her writing, and she says the same thing.

Weird how so many little coincidences can happen and i spot them.


Even earlier, i was thinking about watching "The time traveler's wife" cuz i downloaded it and just havent gotten around to watching it.
then someone posts a comment with the title of that movie.

coincidence, no?

well, i like it.

Signs in everyday life :D

I just want to watch a movie, relax in comfy warm blankets, and have a phone conversation.

Can we make that happen? I shouldn't procrastinate though. but hey i know what i gotta do.

Gah, why can't i nap for more than an hour? This body of mine.

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABBBBBBBBBBBBBBYYYYYYY.

imy.

I love sitting and just really into thinking and contemplating and kind of in a way learning something new that i didn't see before and it hitting me.

I learn something new each day.


I know this sentence is confusing. but haha. w/e i know what im trying to say. 

I make myself really anxious about a lot of things. I want resolutions or productivity or energy right away/instantly.

I just can't wait for something i know i want to do. 

I hope everybody is okay. and feeling fulfilled somewhat.

It's weird to hear "Long time no see" from your family member, especially if you live right next door, and a couple steps away.

Spending the day with my mom, made me remember how sloooooowwwww she is.

But she's my momma. <3

Have you forgotten about me? :/

Sometimes, does the phrase "i miss you" get thrown around too much? Or do people actually mean it? Or just happens to be numerous times?

Today is CLEANING day for me.

haha. well at least it's productive. day went by too quick.


it's weird to have the ability to miss someone. another person.

Have you been remembering your dreams lately?

If you want something, go after it. Don't let something hold you back. Why should it?

If it seems like there's nothing to do, go FIND something to do.

Words of support.

Does my name, Jenny, fit me? haha.

Just a thought.

"Without you, I'm weak in the knees, I need your therapy."

He lays me on the couch and says
“how has your day been?
Tell me your problems,
I’ll help you solve them.
Come on let’s talk about it”
He sits next to me and smiles.
Listens to all of my words,
Relaxes all of my nerves.

Like breathe in, let it go, shout it out
Take deeps breathes and real slow, calm down.
Close my eyes, soft spoke, ease my mind, take control
From my body please work your Psychology

He puts his hand on my lower back
his face in my neck and
Says something to make me laugh
Makes me forget I was mad
His touch feels so right
It’s like he’s reading my mind

The way you touch me says I’m there for you.

You’re taking good care of me, always been there for me
Boy I can’t bear to leave cause I need your therapy.
You’ve given me everything, so much I ever could need
Without you I’m so weak in the knees, I need your therapy.

-India Arie

"Didn't cha know, didn't cha know. Tried to run but I lost my way."

So many things I still don't know
So many times I've changed my mind
Guess I was born to make mistakes
But I ain't scared to take the weight
So when I stumble off the path
I know my heart will guide me back.

-Erykah Badu

I'm not really sure why, but i feel content, calm, giddy, fine. And i mean fine.

"You ain't gon tie me down."

Dont let bullshit get in the way. Keep going.

Everyone in the house went to bed early or fell asleep. It's so quiet. Got my window open too. Listening to the outside night world.

Yeah...

In a calm mood. 

I love how everyone is talking about their online chemistry hw being due and the site crashing.

We all got chem online hw. heehee. i'm not the only one. were all on the same boat.
that makes me feel not alone. :]

In the moooooood.

Little things can make my day.

It don't need to take much. But then it goes for the opposite too.

Am i gonna finish this long ass online hw for chem?

I wonder. Too many distractions and small attention span. and lack of energy.

IMPRESS ;)

Do work, son. Get busy. Instill proudness. Make worthiness. Up to potential.

Do something with your life.

Be happy. 

If it's not there, find it somewhere else.

I look back on pictures, and when that happens, that's when i know and see that it hits me that things are changing.

it never stops. change does not stop.

I love those random occasions when people feel just the same way, the same mood together.

Or when anyone feels that warm gut feeling.

One day, i hope to find someone with hella similarities with me just for the heck of it.

So i can be like "me too!!!" to everything they say. and ill feel hella relatable with em.


so i shouldnt try so hard to be different. even though sometimes i like being weird and different. 
Being different means you get to stand out. And you might get some attention and know that you mean something and not a thing you just simply pass by.

give a care.  

Okay, it's time to really focus now, jenni. do work.

Always gonna be a difference in WANTING something and NEEDING something.

Too quick to love.

I put a lot of consideration into you.

There's nothing like experiencing it live and in person and feeling the loudness of the music beat with your heart and pound in your chest.

Ahh whatta high.
i definitely fell in love with music.

Let's enjoy tonight.

Even though the circumstances are what they are.

Taking it day by day.

I do tell myself keep your head up. Keep your head up.

On my own.

Or not. Okay some things don't always work out. But it's up to you to believe that in the end, if you truly believe that it worked out for the better.

Right now, it might be kinda rough. But i really do believe there is a reason for everything.


Just watching out for you and me.

You know, i swear, sometimes there are situations when someone is listening, because ill have this thing constantly on my mind and be troubled by it,

then something pops up and solves it and makes the situation better.

Thank you God. 

"The look of love, you wear it well."

"Baby, love looks good on you."

Yes it started because of us, but its not MY FAULT.

whatta fucking bitch. you were the one who fucking had a problem first.
i stand by saying i didnt do anything wrong or to hurt you.
Youre the one whos hurting me now.
How can you be such a jerk?
Dont ever put my name in your mouth with a false accusation.
I wish i could say i hate you.
But i dont.
Im the type of person who will still be there and care.

AND EXCUSE ME, I FUCKING SAT IN THE CAR BY MYSELF CUZ I DIDNT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT. I WAS TRYING TO BE RESPECTFUL AND WOULD HAVE LEFT SO THAT YOU COULD HAVE FUN WITH OUR OLD FRIENDS AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ME GETTING IN THE WAY. FUCK THAT SHIT. DON'T SAY ITS MY FAULT. AND YOURE ALL RIGHT. SHE WAS OVERREACTING ABOUT IT ALL. OUR PROBLEM SHOULD NOT BE YOURS. THIS IS BETWEEN ME AND HER.

stupid and immature. for a long time, ive never dealt with drama that involved me, it was always other peoples bullshit. i dont need this. because i dont want it. i dont care for drama. i act maturely about it and get over and deal with it. u dont need to argue and try to prove whos right about the situation. just get over it. grow up. ive just come to accept what is what. and if i try to change it, and i cant. then on to the next best thing. you dont need negative influences in your life.

im done.

I do it for you. And only you.

I hope you appreciate it.
Youre lucky i dont screw you over or anyone over.
Youre lucky i care.
Youre lucky to find someone as genuine and real and warm-hearted as me.


Don't ever take advantage.

You're lucky. 

You know, i never wanted to say that, because i never wanted to put myself as "better" than others or on a higher level. but sometimes i just gotta think that you are lucky to have me. build that self confidence up.

"Baby you should just give me your heart, and i SWEAR i wont tear it APART"

So pathetic....

Habits change.

Can we do that all over again?

Doppleganger week. Pssh.

I don't look like no celebrity. I look like my OWN person. ^__^

A n x i e t y.

chills mayn. uneasiness. worries. blah.

I like to hear that i was known as a hella happy cheerful giddy girl to be around.

I should go back to when nothing brought me down.
That's a fun person to be around.
Positive, happy chick.
I definitely remember those days.
I can be happy. We all can.

I've never really been a busy person.

Just chill.

I like taking hella time, like months, to practice for something. Because you know when it finally comes to the end, you worked hard for it, and even though practices got old and repetitive, building up to it was the best part.

:]

I just get this happy high simply from just talking to people.

What i learned today:

Sometimes i care too much. and that can be bad.
I really do reject people when they say they care. It's hard to not be so reluctant to believe it's bullshit.
WHY do i think its bullshit?
what made me to believe it that way? thats one of the hugest questions i have.
Why am i able to say the right motivational/push things, and ill hear it from other people, but why do i still feel unsatisfied with how things are now?
What do i need to do to fix this problem?

You'll figure out who's genuine/real and who's not.
You'll find out who your real friends are through it all.
STOP BEING INSECURE. he wouldn't be there if he didn't care.

[right???]

i need to stop overthinking and being paranoid.

Day by day.

"Darling, open your eyes. Let me show you the light."

There are times when you need someone.
I will be by your side.
There is a light that shines, special for you and me.

-Common/Ebrahim.

This is tough. But i'm trying. I create too much anxiety for myself.

Thank you Marissa and Joe for today. More people that are helping day by day.

School. Work. Job. Social. Happiness. Joy. Life. Time.

What does life have to offer you in this lifetime? What are you doing? Going to your potential?


Grateful. as always.

Define Jenny: (from urban dictionary)

2. An amazing, beautiful, caring, creative girl. She is the epitome of a goddess, and anyone would kill to have her. She can do anything she sets her mind to, and she's wonderful.


Why can't i remind myself that everyday and be super uber confident and not let losing that person or anyone get to me. 

Glad i got to spend time with him today.

It kinda saved me from loneliness and feeling like i had no one.

i honestly really do feel like he saves me sometimes.

"What do you do, when love is lost?"

-Trey Songz

Today was the first time in a long while, that i sat in a car with just me and my dad.

Those days.

Makes me realize i'm really growing up and taking more steps each day into being more independent.

Little things REALLY do make my day, but you can only be on that happy high for so long.

You've been on my mind a lot today.

i miss you.

I love you.

I'm trying really hard to forget and live without.

But that's the hardest thing to bear with right now.I'm trying.
I'm trying.


Why do things turn out the way they do?

I didn't do anything wrong... it was the other person. sigh.

i did so much shit for her. but i dont regret it. i regret the fact that she didnt appreciate it.

and i want my dad's affection again.

what am i doing wrong???

Thank you, Nat.

You really helped. You understood out of all people. Cuz you've been there.

It really helped talking to you tonight.

You were the one who helped me the most so far.

I hope this brings us closer again. like it used to be.



Goodnight. Sweet dreams. <3

Lmao.

Lil broskie got a facebook.

haha.

I feel like i could never hate someone.

Unless you give me a really really good reason to piss me off.

i can say it, but i dont think ill actually feel it.

but even though people could do the most harshest things to me, i feel like i could never hate them.

why? ionno. i think cuz at one point, we both cared a lot for each other. now one stopped, and well, i haven't.

Why can't any two people ever care the same amount with each other?

Why is it impossible? 

Why does one have to care more for the other?

I ask you world, God, why?

Done.

What do you do when you find out, one by one, that people don't care about you anymore?

I hate when other people or i myself ask, "what are you doing later?"

and i think nothing, because i dont really have a busy life, or friends to hit up.

this is sad.

Sometimes i hate the reality of things. Cuz see,

people are always gonna say:

yeah, hey come back and visit us again!
or i miss you, lets hang out!
or keep in touch.
or i love youuu. 
or just all these sweet talk stuff.

BUT

is any of it real?

are we actually going to keep in touch and commit to these things?

that's why getting attached is the hardest part.
yes you make the most awesomest memories ever doing whatever you guys did.
but when it comes to an "end", that's when you're like, now what do i do?
ive been used to doing this for so long and its become a habit, but now that i have to break it.
and i know starting new things can be a good thing and help make a change.
but when somethings so good, why change it?

right now. i hate the fact that im constantly missing something.
so change, can you just pause for a bit? and let me keep steady for abit?
just a bit?

fuck. i miss a lot shit.

but then again, i do remember new things can be good and be another positive addition in your life.
but thats just another something you might have to miss later on.

ahh the process never stops.

idk.

CARE.

is a big issue with me.

I literally wonder what everyone does with their time.

busy or free.

If i leave early from an event, i don't want to feel as if i missed out on anything.

Right now, I don't like this silence.

Gotta do hw though.
this online lecture crap is boring.

We're all just caught up in doing our own thing, with only exclusive people.

That's not cool.
I like the word "together" sometimes or maybe even now & then, please.

I love all of you,

but do you care back? i'd like to know.

one by one, it seems like people don't.
did i do something?

why is it this way?

questions & uncertain answers are all i have right now.

i dont know what to do.

i need care. no, i want care.

I keep waking up to an empty, quiet, lonely house.

This is not helping.

I don't know what to to do today.

Sleeping in his clothes tonight. < 3

he's helping me so much right now.

and so is she. she makes effort.

others dont.

how do i know if i should let go or not?

My own dad does not care about me anymore.

What do i say/how do i respond to that?

Let's start the day with good intentions.

Keep your head up.

I'm grateful for him.

a lot.

Sometimes it's that one step further that's hard to take.

but i like taking risks and taking initiative sometimes anyway.

I can BE a happy girl.

i can.

Yes now it's time to grow up and be on your own.

But is it so wrong to be on your own, and ask for some company along the way sometimes?

Right now, all i miss are just my friends.

i miss making plans.
i miss going and doing random stuff.
i miss laughing like crazy.
i miss not knowing what were doing WITH them. not on my own.
i miss contact.
i miss them.
i miss their care.

nuff said.

Jenni, why do you make yourself so uneasy about that stuff?

you give the advice to other people who feel the same way, but why dont you take it yourself?

yes, im being defensive so i dont get screwed over. but maybe right now its too much.

why cant you just rely all only on the fact that you just need to trust. thats pretty much it.

and stop being insecure.

i have all the right motivation in my head...but why dont i just take it?

easier said than done.

easier to hear it from someone else whos feeling the same way.

I like phone calls.

Look.

Look back on your past. Look/reflect, not dwell, but look.
Look how far you've come.
Look through everything you've been through.



Be grateful for all those experiences. Everything.

Look where you are now.

Can you believe it?

Try to never miss a call ever ever again! I hate the feeling. And I missed it from the boo today. Grr. I always want to be THERE right away for anybody. Blahhh. No more. Never again.

Have something to look forward to in life.

What's up with the old nicknames coming back? haha

jen-jen and jjjeni?

ahhhhhhh shit. hahahahha

AND I find him on facebook. wtffffff?

everybody on fb adding their ex's. lmao.

Even though you aren't talking to me right now, i'm still there for you.

And i mean it.



was gonna text you that today, but i backed out. 

haha can't believe i just said it, but, i can't wait to learn!

my astronomy and philosophy classes are sooooo intriguing and interesting.

my kinda thing too. :]

Hope.

i can't take it anymore.

i'm back to school and i STILL feel this way.

God, help me. I don't know what to do.

i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know.


who do i please first?

what do i doooooooo?

Can't even ask me?

then who am i to you?

The feeling of letting someone down...

ugh....





dont like having to choose between two.

You know....it's weird.

Right in my mind, when i'm thinking. oh please someone make my day.


someone just asked me how are you? and said they were just checkin up on me. not in that way. but just kind of like a random hello.


that made me feel a little better. it came out of the blue too which makes it better/kinder.

this happens a lot. i feel like people just happen to read my mind or it somehow just becomes all coincidences that i occasionally run into .

dont bring any hopes up.

im scared for my future life. not gonna lie. keep thinking about it. and what im gonna do, what i have to, where im gonna go, who im gonna be with.

can we just take it slowly and feel every moment and not let it pass by?

so many thoughts in my head recently.

this is weird.

Do you believe in karma?

agh. im scared. i hope it doesnt bite me.

Do you have/ know someone, that at ANY moment, for ANY dumb, smart, stupid, wacky, crazy, random reason, that you can call and they'll be RIGHT there I N S T A N T L Y?

pssh. i wish i did. but i'll be that for you.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO ACCOMPLISH IN THIS LIFE?

What?

Why do i have this really irritated feeling coming from the bottom of my stomach?

im not even sure where its coming from.

this week is gonna be hectic til saturday and then sunday i will get to relax.

i hope things will "flow" and work out however they can. and work out GOOD.

please let me get classes.
please don't let her get mad for ditching. eep. cuz i really wanna go to the other thing.
i did make plans first. but then it comes to priorities and stuff. and blah blah. yeah...
ionno.
deed's been done. cant go back/take back what you mentioned.
hope that saturday will be fun. and friday perhaps.
and let's be happy.

let's figure out stuff in life.

growing up mayn.

i really wanna just talk to someone on the phone right now and have a deep insightful conversation.

mmkay.

Constant reminder from everyone in life:

You're on your own.


-_______________-

Creep. Will you leave me alone?! You're freaking me out. Definitely on the verge of stalking. UGH!

Everyday i remember again and again why i chose....

you.

;)


you make me feel like i've never felt before.

Some.

Damn that was a major flashback.

I haven't been called that in forever.

High-energy.

right now.

i'm like hella excited, giddy, hyper.

i got alllll this energy.

lets do something with it. :]

whoo!

So.

I spent a good while looking up pictures to upload here on blogspot to have a nostalgic post. but after choosing all the photos i wanted, and then clicked ok. it only did uploaded one photo.

i have no idea how to do it. well sorta. but now im lazy to go back. that took a long while.

but anyways...my point was....


it was nice to look back at everything. i smiled, and had a laugh now and then.

but damn. good memories. really good.

i miss that feeling where everything just felt so awesome. but friends are missing in action right now in my life.

sigh.

I love the feeling you get when you're like YES i got their new cd album/or ANY new music.

i love music. :]




that's something you can share in this world.

Out of all the things in the world, i'm glad music is something we all can share.

putting Ryan Leslie:"Valentine" on repeat atm.

I want to spend this storm with someone.

Move on.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

"I think it's time we take a trip to the back
Girl yo body's talkin and I'm lovin what she says
Dont you be afraid to
Let me elevate you
Welcome you to super, duper Jupiter Love"

-trey songz.


im craving. haha.

I like people who call just to.....call.

you care.

If she screws you over...if ever

don't come running to me.

Today,

keep your head up.

I realized you are the source to it all.

Right now, you're the only thing that keeps me going.

Why does everything change so quick, so fast, so sudden without a warning?

sigh.

I don't wanna lose you.

the thought of it makes me sad.
why won't you talk to me?
why are you making all this tension?
you're my friend. what did i ever do to make you feel this way?
did she say something about me to change your mind?
why are you moving on?
i have no beef with you.
i cant think of any other reason that could upset you.
why are you declaring without any words but with your actions, that we are no longer friends?

this really breaks my heart.

i used to do hella shit with you.
we were like the duo that went everywhere together and we all knew the same people.
you've been my friend for so long. why end it?
over what?
i havent done ANYTHING.
if i did, please EXPLAIN.

i don't want to not have you in my life.




what happened....?

Excited for future events. Cheska's debut. Possible house-sitting by myself/with boo! Marissa's party=old friends reunion? School: New classes.

Crazy how being out can completely change the mood up and thoughts huh?

Better day today. :D

feelin giddy and just better. i had a good time tonight.

I just want to see you.

Rough night.

You know i really wish all my posts weren't sad. I want happiness everywhere exerted, which i can do.

it's just not happening right now. and im not gonna be fake about anything. no bullshit. what's real. and even though it may be a lil depressing. im trying. im trying to get a point where im satisfied. when i was younger, i was such a joyful little girl. i wonder what happened. i think i grew up and more things came my way. more things to think about. well basically. i do wanna be happy. im not trying to be a sad person. i dont wanna be one of those people that they all do is complain. i really don't. if somethings wrong, then ill work to do right.

that is all.

Would you be there WHENever, WHEREever i needed you?

Oh really, cause all i ever hear are excuses.

im sick of it.
im sick of it.
im sick of it.
im sick of coming home and crying every day.
im sick of feeling that i have no one.
not even a boyfriend.
not even a best friend.
not even an old friend.
not even my family.

then where else do i turn to?

not myself.

i didnt ask to be alone.

i'm tired of feeling like this.
God help me.

*sobs her heart out like she's never done before*

no one understands...

The same feeling everyday....

Again, i call you and you and you and you and you and all of you, BULLSHIT.

you're not there.


i'm always left to be on my own.


i'm tired of this shit.

When does this repetitive feeling stop?

Yes, when i change it.
but i can't do it on my own.
people do not need to be alone in this life.
i didn't ask for it.

i wanna stop crying.
:[

There's something about the word "ease" that helps ease my mind.

Everything aches.

didn't get enough sleep. slept wrong. my neck aches. my arms ache. my heart aches.

ahh.

Why am i so insecure with

not feeling as if im the most important thing if ranked in anyone's to take care of list?
that my boyfriend doesnt want me?


what the fuck is wrong with me?

I feel so lost in life. I don't know what to do.

I don't wanna lose things anymore. I'm scared. I don't wanna lose a friend, a boyfriend...myself,

:[

I fear each day you don't want me anymore.

I've known from the day we made it offical,

i want you.

You said you'd called, but you didn't.

what's the reason, *cough excuse* this time?

I don't think you care for me anymore.

There is no effort being made back.

What the fuck to being hella good friends?

-_-

im not gonna give the excuse of "we're just doing our own things; oh, she's busy; or new friends,"

Bullshit.

I'm scared i'm going to have an anxiety attack. or w/e it is.

My heart can't stop pounding really fast.

i need to calm down.

but what's causing it?

Plain and Simple: I don't know...

...where to go from here.

“The only way you can write the truth is to assume that what you set down will never be read. Not by any other person, and not even by yourself at some later date. Otherwise you begin excusing yourself.”

mmhmm.

I wanna know...feel...that there's more to life. I know there is. but the certainty, i need to feel it.

Because right now i feel stranded, lost, and have completely no idea what to do, or know who to count on.


im on my own...

and that's how it's "supposed" to be apparently.

i hate

i want someone to turn to. i want to stop this feeling like i'm so alone.

i'm tired in every single way. my mind, my heart, my body.

i'm tired.

searching for more.

i thought davis would sorta be like a break for me to get away. but it was just like any other chill day, just looking for something to do with new people. yet i did enjoy it. but i guess you could say, i dont wanna just chill anymore. i dont wanna look for something just to do. i don't even know how to explain the feeling. maybe i just wanna know im going somewhere? yes, each day is new. but i need a guide? ionno. i really don't.

theres a big question on my mind lately:

Am I happy?

I wanna run away...right now. Right. Now.

Tonight was so fucking random.

old friends from middle school.
in n out.
boba.
random people.
shell gas station.
cop catchin us in the park.
two clean though.
nice ass creek.
strikes parking lot.
hot wings.
goodbye.

I need to get away.

I need to get away.
i need to get away.
i need to get away.
i need to get away.
i need to get away.
i need to get away.
i need to get away.
i need to get away.
i need to get away.

:[

Taking one breath at a time.

"When the only way to stay sane is to concentrate on anything else but how you feel. "

pssh yuppp.

Please please please put my heart intact.

I don't think anyone will ever UNDERSTAND how alone i feel at times, and i hate it.

right now, i have never felt so alone, like i have no one to count on.

and when i actually do try to "hit people" up because they have told me, they'd be there, well they still haven't proven me wrong.

sure people get busy. but i'm tired of hearing that EACH time i need someone.
this has happened for EVERY instance of my life.

for once, i'd like to hear, i'm RIGHT here for you.

fuck that hella hit my heart to type.

im so unhappy with things right now.

i hate being alone.

sure people say you need to learn to be independent, and find something that makes ME happy.

but i already know what makes me happy..which are PEOPLE. why can't that be accepted?

my happiness sparks from seeing people, talking to people, making memories, laughing about everything and anything. just doing random, spontaneous things in life. people are my joy.

yeah the happiness doesnt come from myself. but is that wrong?

does it absolutely mean i dont love myself? because sure i do, i mean i might have insecurites. but im grateful and love myself in every single way.

but i do admit that it sucks that i have to depend on others to make myself happy.

my boyfriend makes me happy, but hes in the bay having hella fun doing whatever.

my good guy friend is probably coming home from magic mountain with another friend, also having hella fun.

and my two other friends were able to go to the bay too TOGETHER and make their MEMORIES.


it just makes me ponder.....where are my friends so i can make memories too?
then when i try to think of who to hit up to go out and do stuff, that list barely exists, and if i do end up contacting somebody, they dont even make any effort back whatsoever. or they take FOREVER to reply back. im sorrrrry urgency will actually let me know you're THERE.

bullshit.

im so fucking lonely and depressed.

and i think im losing a friend. how much does that suck? :[

im unhappy, can someone cure me? :[[[[[

i just need someONE, anyONE...

to count on.

sigh.

major major major sigh.

and if i were to explain to someone how i feel, it would just make me feel stupid, because they keep telling me some other excuses, and not allow me to feel how i feel. people are always trying to move on too fast. im here to take it step by step. and they keep saying to fuck it and be independent. sorry im not here to push my feelings back and keep em inside. im done doing that shit.

but it'd just be nice for someone to understand. and relate for sure.

i think i need to spark my own happiness. i mean it sounds like the solution.

but i already know what makes me happy, and now i have to change it.
argh.

i dont know what im saying anymore. brains scattered.


tired of not having anyone to count on.

tireddddd.
tired.
tired.
tired.
tired.

my heart is tired.


"rest your weary heart and relax your mind" -justin timberlake.


i'm trying. i am.

I like how far we've come together. I like you.

Why is it so easy to miss what used to be?

Is it bad to act on spur of the moment?

i think it is sometimes. well from my own experience, i do stupid things if i react instantly. sometimes...

I want to take a road trip. like hella bad. i wanna be the one driving late at night to some far off place...an adventure.

haha too bad when i say that, the next day, HELLA people are in the bay.


damn.

hella jealous. hhaha.

My weak spot: NOSTALGIA.

I think it's crazy how that one special person can take over your mind and constantly be on it.

weird. but ^_^

I'm so unhappy, I can't even admit it. :/

from Misscarolinexoxo

"Baby, Oh baby
You've been running through my mind all day long
And I've been waiting
To feel your warm embrace it makes me feel so at home
I'm walking to your door butterflies are taking over me
You're so understanding and that quality of yours gets me weak
And I just can't help the feelings that I feel for you
You got me goin crazy I don't know what to do

And every time I bear my soul my heart gets to racin'
And then you kiss me"

If it was possible, i wish i could feel that "warm" feeling in my heart always. I like the way it feels.

There's something missing. I don't feel up to any potential. i feel lost. i feel stranded. im scared.

i feel abandoned.